Love in the Face of Fear
by lawslave
Summary: After a terrifying incident, Jamie falls back on an old habit and pushes those he loves the most away. Sequel to "The Sun Sets to Rise Again" which should be read first.
1. Chapter 1

_So happy to be back with another J &E story. This is a sequel to "The Sun Sets to Rise Again" and takes place about 6 months after it ended. Thank you to BlueBlood82 for the prompt and for letting me bounce ideas off of you through out the writing process. Much appreciated! :)_

Chapter 1

Eddie glanced up from the dishes she was washing to peek through the kitchen window, grimacing when she saw Jamie taking an elbow to the ribs from his very competitive older brother while on his way to the basket. Jamie, Danny and the kids had headed outside after dessert to play basketball and burn off some calories along with some extra pent-up energy. The afternoon had warmed up remarkably and they had all rid themselves of any second layers of clothing they had been wearing, playing a game of three on two in t-shirts and jeans. Danny, Jack and Sean thought they'd have the upper hand with an extra player, but Jamie and Nicky were holding their own and managing to pull off some pretty tricky shots that had some rather colorful language erupting out of Danny's mouth.

Linda glanced through the window at the muffled shouts coming from the backyard. "I swear, sometimes it's hard telling which ones are the adults and which ones are the kids," she said, shaking her head when she easily identified her husband's voice above all others.

Eddie chuckled as she continued to watch the game. "Yeah. Looks like they're having a good time, though," she commented. Sundays had become her favorite day of the week by far. Jamie had started bringing her along to the famous Reagan Sunday dinners a few months after they started dating and about a week after she met Henry and Frank. Her first introduction to the older Reagan men turned out to be more entertaining than she expected because it coincided with a Jets-Giants game where both she and Henry had done their fair share of trash talking on behalf of their respective teams. The Giants had lost in the end and Eddie was forced to bite her tongue and prove she wasn't a sore loser while Henry threw some playful jabs her way. Regardless of her team's loss, she had enjoyed every second of the evening and quickly saw where Jamie had inherited some of his best qualities.

Despite that first meeting going well, Eddie had still been a little nervous to meet the rest of the family. Frank and Henry had been a pleasure to deal with, but she still had Danny and Erin Reagan to worry about. She wanted to make a good impression on all of them, not just for her sake but for Jamie's as well. Family was important to him and his was unlike the broken family she came from. She also had to admit that she worried about Jamie's late wife, Sydney. From what little she knew, everyone had loved Sydney and mourned her death immensely. Eddie was afraid of being compared to Sydney and possibly not meeting up to a certain standard. And she had no doubt they were already wondering about her and her relationship with Jamie.

But Eddie should have known better than to worry based off the warm welcome Frank and Henry had given her that night they watched football together. They had set the tone during her first Sunday dinner, making sure that everyone - even Danny - was on their best behavior and made her feel at home. It wasn't long, however, before Danny and Erin's mischievous sides made an appearance. Apparently, teasing their brother was considered more fun than torturing his new girlfriend, something that Eddie was eternally grateful for and relished in completely, of course.

"Oh, I'm sure they are, especially while we're in here cleaning up," Erin complained lightly as she stacked several plastic containers filled with leftovers into her father's refrigerator.

Linda balled up the towel in her hands and threw it onto the counter. She decided they could have their own fun in the kitchen while the Nicky and the boys played outside and Henry and Frank sipped their scotch and read the paper in the living room. "Time for a coffee break, ladies," Linda announced.

"I'm all for that," Eddie concurred and turned off the faucet as she placed the last plate on the dish rack.

"Bring that leftover cake with you, Linda. No sense in putting away one slice," Erin smiled as she refilled their coffee mugs.

Linda snorted as she sized up the leftover dessert and shrugged. It was actually about two and a half slices, but who was she to argue with her sister-in-law's sound logic? "One slice and three forks coming up," Linda said. She pulled three freshly washed forks from the drawer and brought them over to the island with the cake plate.

Eddie snagged a third stool from the corner of the room, pulling it up to where Linda and Erin were already situating themselves. She always enjoyed a little girl-talk with these two women; they became fast friends after she started coming over on a regular basis. "I don't know how I'm going to possibly eat anymore today, but I can't say no to coffee and chocolate," she chided.

"I hear you," Linda said as she went in for a chunk of cake without any hesitation and closed her eyes to savor it.

"You and Jamie met around this time last year, didn't you?" Erin asked.

"Yeah, we did. Next month will be a year since we met," Eddie confirmed as she sipped her coffee.

"Time flies when your having fun," Linda grinned, suggestively wiggling her eyebrows at Eddie.

Eddie and Erin chuckled at Linda. "Well, just remember we didn't start dating until much later," Eddie clarified.

"The way I heard it, you two lovebirds really dragged your feet getting something going," Linda replied.

Eddie nodded as she thought of the reasons they'd hesitated to admit their feelings for each other. "Yeah, well we both had baggage coming in," she shared.

"Don't we all," Erin sighed.

A raucous laughter sounded outside, Jamie's laugh outlasting the rest.

Eddie's forehead creased as she looked toward the window. "What are they doing out there?" she wondered.

"I don't want to know," Linda muttered as she brought her cup to her lips.

Erin smiled fondly as she scraped some of the fudge icing onto her fork. "I haven't heard Jamie laugh like that in a long time," she said. "It's good to hear."

"Not since way before you came into the picture Eddie," Linda said softly. Her brother-in-law was a whole new person and they all knew it was because of his girlfriend.

Eddie smiled sadly at their comments. It wasn't hard to figure out what they were referring to. "He doesn't talk about Sydney and the accident much. I can't imagine what that must have been like for Jamie...for all of you, really," she said.

Erin looked down and absentmindedly poked at one end of the dessert. "It really broke him," she started to say.

Linda cradled her cup with both hands, staring down at the caramel colored liquid inside. This family had already suffered through so much loss when Sydney passed, she wasn't certain Jamie would ever get through losing of his wife on top of it all.

Erin placed her fork along the edge of the plate and leaned against the countertop. "It was tough with mom and then Joe both passing the way they did, but having Sydney also die so unexpectedly...he pretty much shut down."

"what do you mean?" Eddie asked, hoping that they wouldn't think she was being nosey. Eddie never pushed Jamie for information on Sydney and the accident. He would share bits here and there when the subject came up and even then, she could tell that it was still painful for him to discuss. It was only one of many family tragedies and she often wondered how he'd made it through all of it.

"We all grieve in our own way, but Jamie's the type to hold it all in until he's dealt with it on his own. That's how he handled mom and Joe's passing," Erin advised.

"Jamie's not one to burden anyone with his problems. It's not completely healthy but it's how he's built," Linda added. "I see some of that in Danny, but he's also quick to reach his limits and eventually just needs to vent."

"I've noticed," Eddie replied as to both observations. She always knew when something was bothering Jamie and much like herself, it always took a little prodding to get him to talk. Just a few weeks ago she had to push him until he finally came clean about his frustrations over not being promoted because he was the PC's son. She often forgot that the Reagan name could be more of a hindrance than an advantage for a patrol officer with aspirations of making detective. They ended up having a long talk about the different ways that he could be more proactive in advancing his career instead of waiting for someone to consider him worthy enough of wearing a gold shield.

"He did the same with Sydney, but it was worse for obvious reasons that none of us could blame him for. He tried focusing on work, always picking up extra tours but then he'd hide out in his and Sydney's loft when he was off duty. He came around eventually, little by little, starting with getting a new apartment; I think the loft became a constant reminder. Then he started spending more time with dad and grandpa. I guess he thought they could relate. But that was better than having him spend so much time alone since he wasn't ready or willing to socialize," Erin explained.

"Everyone gave him his space, but then a year went and everyone started to encourage him get out there, from his old training officer to Vinny when they first partnered up," Linda said.

"He just needed time," Eddie shrugged as she digested everything Linda and Erin were saying.

"Yeah, time and a spunky little blonde," Linda teased.

Eddie narrowed her eyes back at Linda, pretending to be insulted. "Who you calling little?"

The girls shared a laugh and went back to talking and picking at the cake in between sipping their coffee.

"He's happy, Eddie, for which we are all grateful. I don't think he could handle another major loss," Erin said. She already saw them as a long-term relationship and she hoped Eddie knew how much she meant to her brother.

Eddie didn't even have a chance to respond because the kitchen door flew open and Danny, Jamie and the kids marched back into the house, making a beeline for the refrigerator while arguing over the outcome of their game. Jack and Sean dutifully passed out bottles of water to their cousin, uncle and father behind them.

"Hey!" Danny shouted as he accepted a bottle from his son. "How come we're outside working up a sweat while you three sit in here eating cake?" he complained while eying the chocolatey dessert that sat between the three women. "Is that the last slice?"

"Yup," Erin replied as she scooped a large forkful of cake off the plate and into her mouth. She smiled at Danny while he glared back at her.

Linda narrowed her eyes at the group, grimacing at their appearance. Each of their faces was flushed and they were sweaty from head to toe. "You guys are a mess," she said with a grimace, not looking forward to the ride home with three sweaty boys.

Erin scrunched her nose as Danny and the boys passed by her to surround Linda on the other end of the island. "You stink too," she pointed out in case they hadn't noticed.

Jamie chugged almost half his bottle of water before he came up behind Eddie and pulled her into a big bear hug.

"Ugh, Reagan," Eddie griped as she squirmed in his embrace. "You're soaked! Now I'm gonna need a shower!"

"That's the plan, Janko," he whispered in her ear before laying a big, sweaty kiss on her cheek.

Eddie playfully pushed him off of her to mask the shiver his voice sent down her spine. "Gross, Reagan," she admonished with a smirk. He didn't have to do much to get her all worked up, another one of the many reasons she loved him.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you to all who reviewed! Every review is appreciated and all feedback is welcome, so please continue to send them. :)_

Chapter 2

The alarm on Jamie's phone shrilled through the darkened bedroom causing the form pressed up against his side to groan in displeasure. Jamie quickly reached for the intrusive device on the nightstand, silencing it so as not to further disrupt his sleeping girlfriend, but it was too late.

"Why do you have to pick the most annoying ringtone," Eddie whined in a raspy voice while flipping on to her right side to face him.

"So that I actually wake up when it goes off. Go back to sleep," Jamie whispered. He kissed her forehead and made an attempt to drag himself out of bed until Eddie's arms snaked around his waist and prevented him from leaving the warm little cocoon they were nestled in. "I gotta get going, babe," he pleaded, but couldn't help smiling as he fell back against the bed.

Eddie lifted her head off the pillow and cracked one eye open to peak at her alarm clock. "It's only six a.m. You have a few minutes to snooze with me, Reagan," she assured him, bringing her head down onto his shoulder.

"Not if I want to stop by my place before tour. I gotta pick up a clean uniform," Jamie said, but despite his response, he was already settling back into bed, hugging Eddie to him. He couldn't resist her, that much was proven to true last night.

"Told you you should have come prepared," she chided, as if reading Jamie's mind.

"Hey, you were the one that was in a rush to get back here," he pointed out.

Eddie smirked into his chest, remembering well why she'd been in a hurry to get home after they met for drinks last night. "Five more minutes. I'm comfortable right now," she argued, ignoring the fact that she had been the one to persuade him not to make a pit stop by his place before coming over. But it wasn't her fault he'd been weak.

"Of course. That's what matters most," Jamie snorted as he ran his fingers up and down her arm.

"It's about time you realized that," Eddie joked, feeling herself relax against the sound of Jamie's heart beating under her cheek.

After a few moments, Jamie gently nudged Eddie off of him so that he could turn onto his side to face her. Her arm remained around his waist and her eyes were closed as he brushed a few tangled locks of hair from her face. Jamie smiled, loving the opportunity to just gaze at her like this. Sleep was the only time Eddie was this still and peaceful. She was always so full of life, a ball of energy in constant motion and while he marveled at seeing her in action, he also treasured these quiet moments to appreciate how lucky he was to have her.

Jamie kissed the tip of her nose. "You're so beautiful, babe," he whispered, loving the shy smile that she fought to keep off her face. "Even all sleepy and drooling with pillow marks crisscrossing your face," he joked.

Eddie gasped in mock insult and quickly ran hand across her mouth to wipe away the alleged drool. Finding none, she playfully smacked him on the shoulder and began pushing him away. "Hey! Don't you have a tour or something?" she grumbled with a smirk.

Jamie chuckled as she continued her playful efforts to push him completely off the bed, clinging to the sheets so that he didn't tumble to the floor.

"You love me, bed head and all and you know it, Reagan," Eddie proclaimed as she gave up all attempts to send him packing, her eyes gleaming in the muted morning light knowing the truth of her statement.

"Yeah, I do," he sighed, unsure of where he would be without her. It was Jamie's turn to wrap his arms around her waist and tug her to him. Her arms were pressed up against his chest, trapped between their bodies as he leaned in for a kiss.

"Wish you had swing like me today," she said wistfully, wanting nothing more than to have him stay with her.

"Me too," he whispered. He was so comfortable right now, he almost didn't care if he ended up with a rip for showing up late to roll call.

"You got any plans after work?" Eddie asked.

"Yeah, Vinny's dragging me to a bar to catch a soccer match. He's determined to prove to me that soccer's better than American football," Jamie answered.

"Ha. Have fun with that," Eddie smiled. "And have a beer for me while I'm hanging out with Notaro."

"Sure thing," Jamie replied, groaning as he lifted his head to glance at the time.

Eddie smirked at his expression, pleased that she had no where to go for several more hours.

Jamie leaned in to give her a long, slow kiss. "I really got to go," he said after he pulled away.

"Okay," Eddie groaned as he finally released her. "Have a safe tour," she wished him with a smile.

"You too, babe. I love you," he said with one final kiss before finally slipping out of bed, wishing he hadn't procrastinated the night before as he watched Eddie snuggle back under the covers.

"Love you too," she whispered, already hugging his pillow to her body and making herself comfortable again. Eddie was fast asleep before Jamie even had a chance to step foot outside her apartment door.

* * *

Eddie followed Charlie Notaro out of the coffee shop and into the cool night air, holding the door open for the two other officers from the 5-4 that had joined them on their meal break. "You are so full of it," she told her partner, smiling at the ridiculousness of his story.

"I'm telling you the truth. Ask my old boot," he replied while leading the group across the wide sidewalk to where their RMPs were parked along the curb, one right behind the other. He couldn't blame the others for not believing him, it's not something you expect to hear or in his case, see, but it was a true story.

"I don't believe you, Notaro!" Officer David Lee shot back. Lee mimicked Notaro as he leaned back against the hood of his car while Notaro sat against the trunk of his. "You made that up to trump the collar I told you about," he accused.

The officers had been trading stories about their strangest collars. Eddie and Lee's partner, Tracy Dowd, could only sit back and laugh at the stories the vets where sharing. Since Eddie was a rookie and Dowd only had a few years under her belt, they didn't have enough experience under their belt to offer their own war stories.

Notaro glanced down the block at the thinning, early evening traffic before turning laughing eyes back toward his audience. Even with the dim street lighting, he could still see the doubt on their faces. "God's honest truth," he swore again as he held up his right hand. "We thought we were pulling over a DUI. The guy was swerving all over the road, but it turned out that he hadn't bothered to pull up his pants and get rid of the evidence after he'd just gotten done with one of the neighborhood girls. He was trying to get presentable before he made it home to his wife, so my partner and I ended up seeing more than we'd bargained for when we pulled him over."

Eddie remained on the sidewalk with Dowd, each one facing their veteran partner. She scrunched her face in disgust as Notaro's words painted too vivid a picture in her mind. "That's disgusting-" she began to say but was cut-off by a rapid succession of gunfire. All at once, she felt the breath knocked from her lungs as a massive force struck her in the back and a seering pain flashed across her left bicep that sent her tumbling into her partner's arms. Eddie was in a fog, feeling herself falling into Notaro in slow motion as muffled screams and the dull pop of continuous gunfire barely reached her ears. And then, as if with the snap of a finger, she was thrust back into a painful reality. Every sound, sight and feeling was magnified as she finally gasped for breath.

"Get down!" Notaro yelled at scurrying civilians as he dragged Eddie to cover on the other side of the radio car. He stumbled back when Eddie fell into his arms and instinctively pulled her to safety. She was facing him, her face buried into the side of his neck and completely still. "Janko?" he called out to his partner worriedly as he laid her down on the ground. Notaro scanned their surroundings for their shooter as he simultaneously drew his weapon and reached shoulder mike, making the desperate call for assistance. "5-4 Edward Central, 10-13 shots fired, Union Avenue and Metropolitan! I have officers down, requesting busses forthwith!" he took another look over the hood of the car, searching for their gunman, or was it gunmen? He had no idea at this point. He'd seen a dark figure passing behind Dowd and Eddie and then the flash of gunfire before Janko fell into him. It happened so fast, one second they were standing around talking, the next shots were fired in their direction with Eddie and Dowd each falling into their partners. And just as quickly as it started, it ended, leaving only the sound of terrified civilians and two officers injured on the ground.

Notaro glanced at Lee where he hovered over his partner. From his angle, Notaro could not make out Dowd's injuries, but she was deathly still as Lee frantically called her name over and over again.

Notaro turned from Lee to Eddie when he heard her gasping below him, seeing her frightened, watery eyes staring back at him and desperately pleading for help. It wasn't until his eyes roamed over her body that he spotted the dark pool of blood forming under her left arm. Notaro went on autopilot, turning her onto her side to check for open wounds and found none other than a through and through to her arm.

Eddie's back arched off the ground and she screamed in agony as Charlie applied pressure to the bleeding wound. Her eyes were squeezed shut at the blinding pain that engulfed her. Her body contorted, making every effort to pull away from her partner, but he had a death grip on her arm that held her firmly in place. She couldn't think, didn't understand what was happening.

"Jesus. Hey! Eddie, look at me!" he demanded. Notaro didn't hesitate to press harder on the wound when he continued to feel her hot, sticky blood seeping through his fingers.

Eddie's eyes shot open at the added pressure, tears now running freely down her temples and disappearing into her hairline.

"Sorry, but you're bleeding pretty bad," he apologized when she howled again, hating that he was causing her more pain. Notaro looked up, hearing the sounds of sirens blaring in the distance. Any moment, there would be a contingent of officers and FDNY medics on scene, but he feared they wouldn't come soon enough.

Even through the pain and confusion, Eddie thought of Jamie and a fleeting thought ran across her mind as she too heard the approaching sirens. _..I'll be okay, I have to be okay. I can't leave him too._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Much to Jamie's surprise, he was thoroughly enjoying the soccer match and, more importantly, the bar Vinny had dragged him to. Brazil was playing Argentina in what was a much hyped match, the rivalry between these two teams more intense than any in all of sports, or so Vinny claimed. Jamie had to admit that the game was more fast-paced than American football what with the non-stop action. But his favorite part so far was the announcer whose famous signature minute-long bellowing of 'gooooooooooool!' certainly made him look forward to either team scoring. He bet Vinny people would really get a kick out of that at American football games.

Jamie chuckled as his partner flew out of his seat with his hands fisted in the air after another quick goal by Brazil, doing his best impersonation of the professional announcer on TV.

Vinny slapped his partner on the back while his eyes remained glued to players celebrating on the large flat screen above the bar. "You see! What did I tell you, Reagan?!" he shouted over the roar coming from the other bar patrons around them. The place was filled mostly with Brazilian soccer fans with only a sprinkling of Argentinean fans, so there was quite a raucous in the small bar right now.

"What exactly did you tell me, Vin?" Jamie fired back. He thanked the bartender as he placed a fresh pint of beer in front of him and turned to smirk at his partner.

"What I told you my friend, is that this is what real football is all about!" Vinny exclaimed. "Was I right or was I right, huh?!" he boasted.

"It's faster, I'll tell you that much," he conceded, taking a sip from his glass. He was enjoying the sport, but he'd probably always prefer American football. "I'll have to get my dad and grandpa to watch a match with this announcer. They'll definitely get a kick out of him."

"Cantor does all the big games. And just wait for the World Cup to roll around, Reagan. Then you'll see some real action," Vinny proclaimed. "There's nothing better than World Cup soccer, but that only rolls around every four years."

"Tell me where and when and I'll join you," Jamie promised. He scanned his surroundings, feeling like something was missing and it didn't take him long to figure out what that was. "Too bad Eddie's on duty. She would have really gotten into this," he replied, wishing for nothing more than to have her sitting by his side.

"I'm sure. You know I turned Carli onto soccer, but I don't think she can sit through as many games as I can," Vinny stated.

Jamie gave his partner a suspicious look. "Is that why you dragged me here? 'Cause your girlfriend didn't want to come?"

Vinny smiled sheepishly. "Maybe. But I also really needed to give you a proper introduction to the sport, Reagan," he claimed.

"Sure you did," Jamie snorted.

"You know, now that I think about it, Carli and I have an anniversary coming up - our first," Vinny announced.

"Look at you! Who would have thought we'd ever see the day that the 12th's very own little Vinny Cruz would be in a committed relationship," Jamie teased. He held his glass up to toast the milestone. "You're growing up right before my very own eyes."

Vinny chuckled, knowing he'd earned a certain reputation around the precinct. But those days were over and he reached over to tap his partner's glass. "Yeah, well, Carli's good for me," he admitted.

"That she is, buddy," Jamie said, slapping him on the back. "Congrats."

"What about you and Eddie? You're coming up on a year, right?"

Jamie shook his head. "Not until the fall," he corrected. "But it will be a year next month since we first met."

"If you would have listened to me from the get go, you could have avoided wasting all that time, man," Vinny proclaimed.

"Nah. It's how it was supposed to happen, Vin," Jamie said with a shake of his head. Despite having feelings for each other pretty much from the get go, they both had issues that had them become friends first instead. Maybe that was the reason they were so good together now. "I wouldn't go back and change a thing," Jamie said, pausing when something came to mind. "Well, maybe one thing," he corrected.

"What's that?" Vinny asked in confusion.

Jamie raised his brows as he stared back at his partner.

"Oh, yeah. Springer," Vinny sneered the man's name.

"But it's all good now," Jamie sighed. He'd do anything to be able to spare Eddie that horrible experience, but he was grateful it hadn't been worse.

"She's good for you man," Vinny said as he looked up at the television. The blonde rookie was the sole reason his partner was happy again.

"Yeah, she is," Jamie smiled, following the soccer action again.

After a few minutes, Jamie's phone began to ring next to his glass, his father's number popping up on the caller ID. Jamie picked it up and swiped the answer button. "Hey, Dad!" he greeted loudly as he covered his left ear with his hand.

 _"Jamie? Son, where are you?"_

If not for the noise around him, Jamie would have picked up on the strained tone of his father's voice - the one that would have told him right away that something was wrong. Instead, he only heard the question and assumed that his father was wondering about the unusually loud background noise coming through the line.

"I'm out with Vinny watching a soccer game. You and Pops gotta hear this guy -"

 _"Jamie," Frank interrupted._

He heard it then - that tone. Jamie frowned and his stomach tightened, knowing that this wasn't a social call. He knew bad news was coming and pressed his hand over his ear a little harder instead taking the call outside. He couldn't seem to get himself to move out of his seat. "What's wrong?" he asked as the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end.

His question drew Vinny's attention as he was bringing his glass up to his lips. Instead of taking a drink, he turned and sent his partner a questioning look which went ignored. Jamie stared straight ahead as he waited for an answer.

 _"Jamie...son," Frank sighed, finding it difficult to get the words out. "There's been a shooting in Williamsburg...two officers were hit."_

It felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. Jamie didn't need to hear more to know who one of those officers was; Williamsburg was within the 5-4's jurisdiction and the fact that he had specified 'officers' told him it wasn't his brother. Suddenly, Jamie didn't want to hear anymore either and his hand dropped to the bar top, afraid that his worst nightmare might come true again.

"What's the matter, J?" Vinny asked. His partner's face had gone ashen while he'd been on the phone. Vinny looked down at the device in Jamie's tight grip and saw that the call was still connected. Even in the noisy bar, Vinny could make out what he knew to be the Commissioner's voice calling out for his son.

Jamie was in some sort of trance, his breathing clearly ragged, so Vinny pried the phone from his hand. He kept an eye on his partner while he brought the phone up to his ear. "Sir?...No, sir, it's Vinny...Jamie's still here with me but something's wrong. What's going on, sir?"

Vinny's eyes widened as the Commissioner explained what he knew. He stared at his partner, now fully understanding why it seemed he'd gone into a state of shock.

"Which hospital, sir?...I'll get him there, sir. We're thirty minutes out," Vinny said, disconnecting the call as he slipped off his stool and pulled a few bills from his pocket which he dropped onto the bar.

"Come on, partner," Vinny prodded gently.

Jamie had broken out into a cold sweat, his breathing still labored. "How bad?" he asked with no attempt to move. He needed to know the answer to that question but was afraid of the response he'd receive.

"Your dad didn't know yet. He said he was a few minutes out from Kings County," Vinny replied and waited for some sort of reaction from Jamie. He couldn't understand why he wasn't moving, why he wasn't rushing to get to the hospital, but understood a moment later when he heard Jamie's mumbled words.

"I can't go through this again."

Vinny's mouth formed a tight line. He was normally an optimistic guy, but with no news on how bad Eddie was hurt and fully aware of the nightmare his partner had already lived through with the loss of his wife, he was hesitant to make empty promises or spew out the usual hollow words of encouragement. Instead, Vinny wrapped a hand around Jamie's arm and led him out of the bar. "Come on, buddy. Let's go find out what's going on first," he said.

* * *

 _We'll find out more about Eddie in the next chapter. I'm certain most can guess where this is headed now. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, it's always wonderful to get feedback!_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The emergency room waiting area at Kings County Medical Center was packed with uniforms from the 5-4 and neighboring precincts, all waiting for updates on Officers Dowd and Janko. The shooting occurred less than an hour ago and the information that had been gathered so far was disturbing: the officers had been shot while on meal in an act that appeared to have been unprovoked and intentionally targeted them; no civilians had been wounded, thankfully, nor had any even been threatened during the incident, all of which was the apparent act of a lone gunman.

And that right there was one of the many reasons why Frank Reagan was wearing a path in the waiting room floor with his hands nervously clutched behind his back. He was too agitated to sit and wait calmly for the doctors to come out and update him. No matter how many times he'd gone through this in the past, it never got easier having to deal with the aftermath of an officer shot in the line of duty, made worse when it was multiple officers injured in a single incident. But nothing would ever prepare Frank Reagan for having to deliver the news to his son that his girlfriend was one of those wounded officers with no ability to provide him with any assurances on her well being. It was the last thing he wanted to tell his son who had already endured the tragic and unexpected loss of a spouse.

It had not been Frank's first choice to deliver the news over the phone, but being only a few minutes out from the hospital when he got word of the shooting and with no idea of where Jamie was on his night off, Frank had chosen to head to Kings County first, desperate for word on both of his officers, especially for the young woman the whole family had grown so fond of over the last several months. Frank was grateful that Jamie had been with his partner when he reached him. He had struggled to break the news and barely had the words out when Jamie seemed to understand what he was saying. What Frank had not expected was the silence he received in return. He was afraid at first that the call had dropped, but the crowd noise that continued to filter through the line proved that theory wrong and only caused Frank to panic when his repeated pleas for a response went unanswered. Thankfully, Vinny got on the line and assured him that he would drive Jamie to the hospital, Frank just wasn't certain of the state his youngest son would be in once he arrived and prayed he'd have some sort of good news to offer Jamie by the time Vinny got him to King's County. His DCPI, Garrett Moore, had purposely kept one of the private family waiting rooms empty, knowing that his friend and boss would want a moment alone to talk to his son when he arrived.

"Frank," Garrett called out softly from the doorway where he'd been on the lookout for both the doctor and Jamie.

Frank came to a stop and turned toward Garrett.

"Jamie's here," he advised as he nodded toward the hallway.

Frank took a deep breath and nodded back at Garrett, taking a couple of steps until he stood in the doorway with his DCPI. He spotted Vinny first as he led Jamie down a hallway lined with cops, most of whom gave the younger Reagan a sympathetic expression as he passed. Jamie walked ramrod straight, his face pale and devoid of all emotion - like a man who's been in this same situation before with no expectations of a happy ending. Frank was saddened to see that Jamie seemed to be prepared for the worst.

Frank nodded at Vinny as they approached, sending a silent thank you his way for delivering his son safely.

Vinny smiled tightly and nodded in return, gently squeezing Jamie's shoulder before he stepped away to give the two Reagans some privacy. But Vinny had no plans to leave yet. He walked over to a few officers he recognized from the 5-4 hoping to find out what they knew.

Frank placed an arm around Jamie's shoulders and guided him away from prying eyes. "How are you holding up?" he asked, fully expecting to get the usual automatic response.

"I'm fine. How's Eddie? What do you know?" Jamie asked nervously. He turned to face his father and crossed his arms in front of him to hide the tremor in his hands.

"We're still waiting for the doctor to come out and update us," Frank said, hesitating to say more without word from the ER physician.

Jamie wasn't blind and clearly saw there was something his father was holding back. "And?"

Frank pursed his lips before proceeding, hating to send the boy into a panic. "According to her partner, she took two shots," he shared sadly.

"Jesus," Jamie gasped, growing more fearful at hearing those words. Being shot once was bad enough, but twice? "What happened, dad?" he pleaded, blinking away the moisture in his eyes.

"We're still trying to put that together," he hedged. Frank didn't think this was the time for Jamie to be hearing what they had pieced together so far.

"But you must know something," Jamie persisted. He had no doubt that his father would have received sit reps as soon the first responders hit the scene.

Frank conceded, knowing it would only make things worse if he dodged his son's questions. "All we know is that Eddie, her partner and two other officers from the 5-4 were on break in front of a diner. We don't have confirmation yet, but it appears they were targeted."

"Targeted?" Jamie repeated in confusion. He didn't understand.

"From what we're hearing, the shooter intentionally shot at them. It was unprovoked," Frank explained, waiting for some sort of reaction from Jamie. "Your brother's working the scene now with most of his squad trying to put everything together."

Jamie swallowed thickly, not daring to open his mouth. He turned away, needing to distance himself from his father while he processed everything. He didn't need him analyzing him right now like he was known to do with just one look, especially when he was already struggling to hold it together.

Frank sensed the fear emanating from Jamie and his obvious attempt to hide it from him. "Don't lose faith, son. We have to keep praying -" he tried encouraging him, but Jamie abruptly cut him off.

"Yeah, right. Not sure he even listens to me at this point," Jamie scoffed.

Frank was dismayed by Jamie's response. He approached him and was just opening his mouth to reply when he was interrupted again.

"Commissioner?"

Frank turned to find the Chief of Emergency Medicine for King's County Medical Center - a short, friendly-faced Indian physician he'd had the misfortune to meet on several occasions similar to this. Frank's gut clenched at the expression the doctor wore. He glanced back at Jamie who stood at the far side of the room and appeared to have no intention of joining them; Frank feared that he too recognized the look on the man's face. He turned back to give the dark-haired doctor his full attention, wishing that Jamie was some place else while he got the first updates from the physician. "Dr. Mammen, what can you tell me about my officers?" he asked, steeling himself for whatever the doctor had to say.

Jamie held his breath, gripping the window sill behind him as his stomach twisted in knots. The look on the doctor's face was the same one he saw the night of the accident. There was a lot about that night that was a blur, but that expression he remembered well. Jamie just stood there expecting to hear the worst news and he was partly right.

Dr. Mammen stepped forward and planted his feet shoulder with apart, crossing his own arms in front of him. He readied himself for the worst part of his job, hating to be the one to deliver bad news to this man yet again. "I'm so sorry, Commissioner," the doctor began with a shake of his head. He had no clue that the Commissioner and his family had personal ties to one of the officers in his trauma room, otherwise he would have done a better job with his initial delivery.

Jamie's jaw clenched and he fell against the sill when his legs began to feel weak. Frank froze where he stood knowing what was coming.

"Your officer, Officer Dowd, she passed short time ago. She was shot multiple times, but suffered a fatal wound near her neck where she was not protected by her vest. We did all we could but there was just too much damage."

Frank hid his hands in his pockets as he looked down, saddened by the news. But he wouldn't have time to mourn that terrible loss just yet as he still had another officer who's condition was unknown. "And Officer Janko? How is she?" he asked worriedly, his voice thick and shaky.

"Officer Janko's wounds are less serious, but still of some concern. She took a bullet to the back of her vest and has some bruising but nothing more serious there. She also suffered a gunshot wound to her upper left bicep. She had significant bleeding and is already on her way up to surgery. We were concerned that the artery might have been knicked. It was a through and through and it missed the bone but the surgeons will have to confirm the extent of any muscle and nerve damage," Dr. Mammen advised.

"She's alive?" Jamie asked from the far side of the room. His voice was low, but still audible to the doctor and his father.

The doctor glanced over Frank's shoulder at the young man in the back and assumed that he was a member of Officer Janko's family. "She is. I don't foresee any problems in the long run, but again, we'll know more after surgery. Our biggest concern right now is dealing with the blood loss," he said.

"How long do you expect the surgery to last?" Frank asked, relieved that Eddie would be alright.

"A few hours, depending on the amount of damage. There's a waiting room on the second floor if you and her family would like to wait there, Commissioner. I'll let the surgeon know to find you there when he's done," Dr. Mammen said.

"Thank you, Doctor," Frank replied.

"Yes, sir. Again, I'm very sorry for your loss," the doctor said before heading back to the treatment area.

Frank nodded and watched the doctor leave the room. He didn't move from his spot, torn between wanting to stay with Jamie as they waited for news on Eddie and the duty he owed to Officer Dowd and her family. He breathed in deeply, releasing the long breath through his nose as duty came first yet again. Frank turned to find Jamie stock still and pressed up against the window. "I've got to go find Garrett and then I need to speak with Officer Dowd's family," he said as he approached his son.

Jamie nodded wordlessly.

Frank tilted his head to the right, trying to catch Jamie's eyes, but he seemed fixated on some spot on the floor. "You okay, son?"

"I'm fine," Jamie replied quickly.

Frank nodded, not believing him for one second. But he also felt it was best not to push him right now. He thought, or maybe just hoped, that Jamie would feel better once he had a chance to lay eyes on Eddie himself. "You should head to the second floor with Vinny," Frank instructed. He would make sure his partner watched over him until he was done meeting with Officer Dowd's family. "I'll see you there when I'm done."

"Yeah," Jamie nodded, still shying away from his father's concerned stare.

Frank pursed his lips in worry and was hesitant to leave until Garrett cleared his throat from just outside the room. He glanced over his shoulder, understanding his unspoken message - Dowd's family was here. Frank turned back to Jamie, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder reassuringly before he left the room to resume his duties.

Jamie was left alone, lost in a distant memory of being in a room just like this surrounded by his family and being given little to no hope about his wife's chances, that they would need to 'wait and see.'

A small voice in the back of his head was telling him _'it's not the same_ ,' but he was still finding that hard to believe right now.

* * *

 _We'll see finally Eddie in the next chapter._


	5. Chapter 5

_Sorry for the delay; the day got away from me._

Chapter 5

It wasn't until several hours after Dr. Mammen updated them in the emergency room that the surgeon finally came out to advise that the surgery had gone well and he expected Eddie to make a full recovery. Jamie had been quiet and sullen the whole time they waited, ignoring Vinny's attempts to distract him with conversation. When his father had joined them, Jamie could see the fatigue etched across his face that surely came from dealing Officer Dowd's grieving family. Jamie knew better than to ask how it went and in turn, Frank knew better than to ask Jamie how he was doing.

Jamie thought that it would be over once the doctor gave them the good news, that the growing ball of fear that sat heavily in the pit of his stomach would be gone and he'd be able to breathe again, but it didn't go away. Then he thought seeing her would make everything better, but Jamie now stood in the recovery room, staring at Eddie and he was unable get himself to move past the end of her gurney. She was so still and small, nothing like the Eddie he would gaze at while in a peaceful slumber. Even in the dim light of the mostly empty recovery room and behind the bulky oxygen mask hiding most of her face, Eddie appeared ashen, made worse by the dark smudges that marred the delicate skin under her eyes. Countless tubes and wires snaked every which way around her and thick, white bandages encased her left bicep while a dark sling secured her arm to her petite frame.

Being here with her seemed to only make everything worse. Jamie was just finishing his inventory, when he gasped suddenly. It wasn't Eddie that he was seeing in that bed, but Sydney. His Sydney who had remained motionless and pale and lifeless from the moment they'd been struck in the town car; who had been hooked up to countless machines, covered in cuts and bruises and wrapped in the same thick, stark-white bandages, looking nothing like the vibrant woman he married and loved so much. It was the last image he had of her, right up until the moment he'd allowed the doctors to turn off the life support...the same one that would loom in the back of his mind anytime he would think of her. Jamie remembered being with her in the end, holding her cold, limp hand between both of his trembling ones, whispering seemingly meaningless words of comfort to his wife who was already gone... _had_ been gone for days.

"It's okay for you to get closer," a nurse said from behind, causing Jamie to jump from the unexpected fright. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you," the young woman grimaced apologetically.

Jamie shook his head and let out a long breath as his heart hammered away in his chest; her sudden appearance wasn't the only reason for that. "It's okay, uh, I just..." he trailed off as his eyes landed back on Eddie.

"You won't disturb her if you want to get closer," the nurse assured him as she stepped over to check on her patient.

"Oh...yeah," Jamie replied as he gingerly approached Eddie's bedside.

The nurse gave him a sympathetic look. "I'm sure the doctor told you that Officer Janko did really well with the surgery," she advised while making note of the readings on the monitors.

Jamie nodded. "Shouldn't she be waking up?" he asked.

"She will," the nurse smiled softly. "But with the blood loss and the anesthesia, she'll probably sleep the rest of the night which is what she needs the most of right now. Are you family?" she asked curiously.

Jamie found himself caught off guard by the question. "No, not...uh, she's my girlfriend," he stammered nervously.

The nurse nodded in understanding. "Well, then. You should talk to her; let her know that you're here. She'll hear you," the friendly nurse prodded.

Jamie nodded in return, but said nothing, quietly observing as the nurse finished checking Eddie as she slept on. She glanced at him on her way out, easily sensing the worry rolling off of him. He continued to stare at Eddie long after the nurse left, distracted only when the fingers of her right hand twitched. Jamie reached for Eddie's hand, his eyes misting at how cold it felt against his skin.

Without thinking, Jamie walked away abruptly, heading out the same way he came. His rapid departure caught the attention of the friendly nurse he'd spoken to, who frowned momentarily as she glanced from the fleeing visitor to her patient before returning to work.

* * *

Eddie slowly awoke to the muffled sounds of overhead pages and passing voices, her eyes opening only to confirm what she had prayed was some terrible nightmare. With every part of her body stiff, she began to take a deep breath and shifted around in the bed, but stopped quickly when the movement caused a dull ache to resonate across her back and down her arm. Eddie glanced down at the limb, which she realized was nestled safely in a sling and wrapped in thick layers of sterile gauze, closing her eyes as she thought back to... _had it all been just last night?_ she asked herself. Her eyes watered as every vivid moment and emotion from the prior night flashed across her mind.

It wasn't until she went to raise her right arm that she noticed a firm pressure holding it in place. Eddie turned, finally noticing Jamie slumped over in a rigid armchair with one hand firmly grasping hers in his sleep as the other hung over the side. His breathing was deep and even and his mouth slack, but even in his slumber he appeared tense and uncomfortable sprawled out across a piece of furniture not intended for sleep. Eddie hated to wake him, but she needed answers to the hundred plus questions running through her mind. Part of her feared some the responses she might receive, so she took a few moments to steel herself first. The last thing she wanted was to give Jamie another reason to worry and she was a cop, right? She couldn't let him see her all weepy.

"Hey," Eddie rasped a few minutes later, squeezing Jamie's hand to nudge him awake.

Even in sleep, Jamie was hypersensitive to her needs, going ramrod straight in his seat at the sound of her voice. He blinked repeatedly in confusion, searching the room until they landed on Eddie's tired face. "Hi," he whispered, surprised to find her awake.

Eddie smiled as Jamie rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "I'm not the only one that drools," she tried joking, falling back on her old habit of masking her fears with comedy.

"Huh?" Jamie responded, wiping a hand across his mouth when Eddie's words sank into his foggy brain. "I don't drool, Janko," he shot back with mock annoyance when he found none. But his face softened and turned more serious as he watched her shift slightly in the bed. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Kinda stiff and numb...maybe that's good, huh?" Eddie answered.

"Yeah," Jamie sighed sadly.

"What happened?" Eddie asked. She knew why she was here, she just didn't know the why and prayed that no one else was hurt.

"What do you remember?" Jamie replied, looking for any reason to delay the inevitable.

Eddie swallowed thickly as she ran through everything in her mind again. "We were on meal with Lee and Dowd, talking about some stupid collar and then... I don't know," Eddie shook her head and turned back to Jamie. "Something hit me in the back and my arm and then I was on the ground with Charlie," she recounted quickly. She remembered not being able to breathe and the searing pain in her arm. She knew she had been shot, but it had all happened so fast and felt so surreal now. The bandages on her arm, however, were proof that this was all very real. "What happened?" she repeated, wanting to know more. She only had her own limited perspective on the incident.

Jamie gazed at her tired face, realizing there was no way to sugarcoat any of it. "You were shot, Eddie. Once in the back of the vest and once in the arm. You had surgery last night. The doctor said you'll be fine," he began to explain.

Even though she knew that already, her stomach tightened when she finally heard the words out loud. _Jesus_ , she thought, _how the hell do I end up shot less than a year out of the academy?_ But that thought was quickly replaced with a larger concern. "What about Charlie? And the others?" she asked worriedly.

Jamie replied around the lump that was forming in his throat. "Notaro and Lee weren't hit, they're fine. You and Officer Dowd were the only ones hit," he confirmed.

"Jamie..." she whispered, praying that Tracy was in another hospital room down the hall or discharged home after a night in the emergency room. Eddie began to cry knowing what was coming from the way he avoided her eyes. She quickly lost all resolve to remain strong.

He felt like a coward but he couldn't look her in the eyes or get the words out so he just shook his head, staring down to where her hand clung to his.

Eddie wept for her colleague as Jamie held her hand conflicted on what to say. He knew from experience that words weren't enough at a time like this.

"Did you know her well?" he asked after a few minutes when she began to quiet down.

Eddie pulled her hand from his grasp to angrily wipe away the tears that were running free. "Not very," she lamented, taking a long, shuddering breath before she continued. "Notaro and I would meet up with them every now and again and we worked some calls together," Eddie said, trying to recall everything she'd learned about Tracy on the few occasions they'd had a chance to sit around and chew the fat. "She was engaged...excited to be planning a wedding. She and her fiancee came from big families."

"I'm sorry, Eddie," Jamie said.

Eddie nodded. "Who did this?" she asked before taking several more calming breaths.

"I don't know," Jamie shrugged. "The whole department's working the case to figure that out," he said, deciding he needed to switch topics, even if only slightly. "Your mom, she should be here later this morning. She was flying back early from her trip to Atlanta. My dad talked to her last night," he advised.

Eddie's frown deepened. "She must be freaking out," she commented.

"At first, but dad got her calmed down. You know how he is," Jamie said.

Eddie sniffled, glancing at Jamie as she tried to gather her composure. "Yeah. Thank God for him," she sighed, another reason she was grateful to have Jamie and the Reagans in her life. "Guess I better prepare myself for another 'you should have never become a cop' speech," she predicted.

One corner of Jamie's mouth curled up for a second before he looked away again.

"You okay?" Eddie asked while reaching for his hand again.

Jamie's head snapped up, frowning at the question. "Yeah," he shrugged. "I'm the one that should be asking you that."

"Have you been here all night?" she wondered.

Jamie nodded, releasing her hand again to rub at his weary face.

"You should get some real sleep," Eddie suggested. She could see that he was exhausted and she knew that the loss of any cop's life was upsetting, but there was something else bothering him and it didn't take much for her to figure out what that was - the same thought had crossed her mind when she had been bleeding on the side of the street. "Jamie, I can't imagine what you must have thought when you heard-" she said.

Hating where the conversation may be heading, Jamie cut her off more abruptly than he had intended. "I'm fine."

And just like with anything having to do with his late wife, she backed off, feeling like it wasn't her place to push or to even touch upon the issue.

Jamie immediately felt guilty. Here she was, recovering after taking two bullets and she's the one worried about him while he's snapping back at her. "Sorry. Maybe you're right. I should go home and get some sleep," he said while standing from his seat and reaching behind him for his jacket. He had waited all night for her to wake up and make sure she was okay, but suddenly he couldn't get out of the room fast enough.

Eddie nodded, hating that he was leaving, that he couldn't tell her whatever was going through his mind, but chalked it up to the stress and fatigue of the long night.

Jamie leaned over her and kissed the top of her head. "I'll see you later. Get some rest," he whispered and turned to leave the room.

Eddie frowned, but nodded in response. "I love you," she told him.

Jamie stopped at the door, his face unreadable when he turned to glance at her over his shoulder. "Me too," he said and walked out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Vinny glanced over at Jamie as he walked out of the precinct. "You know, I didn't think I'd be seeing you today," he commented. They were heading out to start a swing tour and Vinny had fully expected to be riding with someone else, figuring that his partner would have banged in sick to stay by Eddie's side.

Jamie shrugged, knowing full well why Vinny said that, but the truth was that he was eager to get on patrol so he could get his mind off the more unpleasant things that he had been unable to shake since last night. "Eddie's fine-" he began.

"Thank god for that," Vinny sighed.

Jamie frowned at Vinny's interjection, not certain that God had anything to do with it - with any of it, really - but he decided not to respond and led the way to their RMP instead.

Vinny didn't miss the expression on his partner's face but chose to ignore it for now. He could tell that the last thing Jamie needed right now was debate on spirituality and religion.

"Anyway, I talked to her before I came in. Her mom got in late this morning and was spending the day with her," Jamie explained.

"That's good to hear. I just figured you'd take a day, you know? You had a long night," Vinny said. It was near midnight by the time the surgeon had come out to talk to Jamie and the Commissioner and Vinny had departed after his partner had gone back to the recovery room to visit with Eddie.

"Not as long as the night Tracy Dowd's family had. It's all hands on deck to find the guy that did this. I'm more useful on the streets," Jamie argued.

Vinny's mind flashed back to another incident involving Henry Reagan and Jamie's lone crusade after the perp that had assaulted his grandfather. Vinny prayed Jamie wasn't planning for another solo mission for justice. "I'm sure Eddie wouldn't mind the extra company."

"I'll see her after tour," Jamie shot back as he stopped in front of their assigned vehicle.

"It will be past midnight when we get off," Vinny innocently reminded him.

"Would you get off my back?" Jamie snapped while he spun around to face his partner.

Vinny was surprised by Jamie's reaction but understood the stress he must be under. "No problem, brother," Vinny replied as he held his hands up apologetically.

Jamie instantly regretted his words, sighing heavily as he pulled his service cap off his head to run a hand across his aching head. "I'm sorry, Vin. I didn't get get enough sleep on top of everything else," Jamie apologized.

"No worries, man," Vinny assured him, deciding not to press the issue anymore today. He was tempted to tell him to take the day, but held off in case it earned him another outburst. "The whole department is on edge. Let's just get to work, huh?"

Jamie nodded. "Yeah. That would be good. You drive. I don't think I'm up to it today," he said, tossing the keys over to his partner.

* * *

Eddie was alone in her hospital room for the first time all day. She had a non-stop parade of visitors, most of whom were relieved well wishers and a few who had stopped by in an official capacity - there was a major manhunt for a cop killer after all. But, sadly, she had nothing to offer the detectives that would be of any use to the investigation as both she and Tracy had their backs turned to the shooter the entire time, a fact that some said might have been a blessing. The last thing she needed to see in the continuous loop of events running through her mind was the sight of the gun being drawn on them.

One of the more emotional visits had been with Charlie Notaro. Her normally gruff and tough veteran partner of less than a year had been teary eyed and his voice thick with emotion when he'd first seen her. She was his rookie partner and he felt a greater duty to protect her out on the streets. Eddie had been touched and was unable to hold back her own tears, but she was also thankful that he had been spared from harm. His safety came at her expense, unfortunately, considering that she had shielded him from harm, but she was still thankful he was alright.

Eddie sighed loudly into the empty room. Her mom had decided to head down to the cafeteria a few minutes ago for a cup of bad coffee and whatever else she could find that was halfway edible. After all of the company she'd had, Eddie thought a few minutes to herself was what she needed to clear her mind, but all it did was make her relive the shooting she never even saw happen and think of Tracy Dowd.

She was pulled from her sullen thoughts by a knock at the door which opened slowly to reveal two very familiar and welcomed faces. Eddie smiled, happy for this next round of visitors. "Hey. Now I've officially had the whole Reagan clan come by to visit me," she greeted.

Linda followed Erin into the room, each one bearing pained smiles and sympathetic eyes as they approached the injured woman.

Erin reached her first, squeezing her hand gently as she placed a large shopping bag on the side table. "We are so relieved you're okay, Eddie," she said. She and Linda had grown to love her over the last several months and had easily accepted her as one of the girls in a family overrun by boys.

"I can't believe this happened, sweetie. How are you feeling?" Linda asked as she took a seat at the end of Eddie's bed.

Eddie gave them a half shrug. "Okay. A little sore in between pain meds, but otherwise okay," she claimed.

Erin's gaze moved from Eddie's injured arm to her doleful eyes, clearly seeing the effort she was using to hide her sorrow, but there was something else bothering Eddie that she couldn't quite pinpoint. "So? We're the last ones from the family to come by?" she asked, hoping to redirect their conversation.

Eddie smiled. "Your dad was in early this morning and Henry came by around lunch time and Danny was here with the other detectives. He said he would be by later for a social visit," she reported.

"Sounds like you've had a busy day with not a lot of time to rest," Linda commented.

"Rest is overrated. I just start thinking about everything that happened and that's not very conducive to resting either," Eddie countered sadly.

"You got that right. We were so sorry to hear about Officer Dowd," Linda sympathized while squeezing Eddie's ankle.

"But incredibly grateful that you're okay," Erin added.

"Thanks," she said with a shaky smile. Eddie blinked rapidly to ward away the tears threatening to reappear. "I still can't believe it, you know?"

"Yeah," Erin sighed.

"Where's Jamie? I though he would have been here glued to your side," Linda asked.

Eddie stiffened at the question, shifting in the bed nervously as she answered. "He was here all night and went home to get some sleep after I woke up this morning. He called a little while ago, just before he went on tour," she advised. She was mistaken if she thought she could hide anything from these two women.

"What's wrong?" Erin asked.

Eddie met Erin's eyes and shook her head. "It's nothing...or maybe it's everything. I don't know," she said in defeat.

"What is it, Eddie?" Linda prodded.

"Jamie," she said as she glanced between the two women. "It's just...I got the feeling this brought up a lot of memories for him," Eddie said, sharing her suspicions. She felt like she was going behind his back talking to Erin and Linda about this but she needed their insight right now.

"Ahh," Erin replied, afraid that this might come up.

"Yeah. I told you before, he really doesn't discuss that part of his life with me and I don't know if it's something I have a right to even bring up. But he just looked so haunted this morning and he wouldn't talk to me about it. I know he was worried about me but now I'm worried about him too," she confided.

Erin and Linda traded looks before Erin responded. "You had a close call and another cop lost her life, Eddie. Anyone would be jarred by something like that but considering what he already went through, it's understandable that he's rattled."

"I know that, but what do I do?" Eddie asked, hoping for some advice.

"Don't be afraid to push him to talk about it. We told you that Jamie has a habit of bottling things up. It's how he dealt with Sydney's loss and it's not healthy, but I think we were all afraid of pushing too hard. But a little prodding from you, especially, would be good for him," Erin suggested.

"He'll be okay," Linda soothed, knowing that was what had Eddie worried the most right now, even over her own well being. "You both will. Try not to worry too much, you also have your health to think about."

"I'm sure he'll be all up in your space to nurse you back to health when you get out of here. Seeing you safe and well will help ease all of those fears that rose to the surface," Erin said, praying her words held true.

"You're right," Eddie agreed with a small smile. Desperate for a short reprieve from all of this emotional talk, she turned to the right, finally eyeing the bag Erin had brought in. "So what's in there?" she asked curiously.

Linda and Erin smiled at each other before turning to Eddie.

"Chocolate cake, three forks and three coffees - one decaf for you," Erin listed as she rolled the table between them. With Linda's help, they laid out their late afternoon snack so that Eddie would have the easiest access to the treats.

"I knew there was a reason why I loved you guys. Do you have any idea what they tried feeding me earlier?" Eddie grumbled as she reached for the cup of coffee first, sighing after a long sip of the hot brew. She didn't think there was a point to drinking decaf coffee, but she would take whatever she could get right now.

"Did someone say something about food?" Danny asked from the open doorway.

"Hey!" Linda called out, surprised to see her husband. "What are you doing here?"

"Shocking that he shows up when we're breaking out dessert," Erin snarked as she moved to grab her coffee from the table. "He's like hound dog."

Eddie smiled from behind her cup.

"I have impeccable timing. I thought I'd take a break and come see my favorite rookie," Danny smiled as he moved into the room.

"I'm pretty sure Eddie's the only rookie in the department you know personally," Erin threw out.

"And, therefore, my favorite," Danny smirked, which had Eddie chuckling. His eyes brightened as he spotted the caffeine and sugar on display. "One of those for me?" he asked hopefully.

"You can share with your wife," Erin replied quickly while snagging a chunk of cake for herself before the human vacuum cleaner moved in.

"Gladly," Danny said as he pulled Linda's cup from her hand, taking along pull.

"Hey!" Linda snapped at the brazen act while glowering at his smug face.

"Where's the kid?" Danny asked as he moved in for a bite of the dessert.

"On tour," Eddie answered as she turned her cup in circles where it sat in front of her.

Danny's brows arched in surprise. "Would have thought he'd be here," he commented, not missing the way his sister and wife traded quick looks.

"He was here all night," Eddie felt compelled to say.

Danny easily picked up on Eddie's defensive tone. "Everything okay?"

Eddie nodded her head. "Yeah, you know. All of this just has everyone stressed," she reasoned, hoping they wouldn't start into another conversation about Jamie. She was certain he wouldn't appreciate being the subject of their conversation while he was gone.

Danny glowered, thinking of how much damage he wanted to inflict on the monster that had done this to Eddie, Officer Dowd and the department. "Yeah. We got the whole squad working like crazy plus a lot of volunteers from other precincts. We'll catch the bastard that did this," he promised.

"I know you will," Eddie replied, feeling blessed again to have this particular group of people in her life.


	7. Chapter 7

_This chapter came out rather long, but I hated to break it up...hopefully you won't mind. :)_

Chapter 7

Jamie pushed open the door to Eddie's apartment, stepping to one side to let her in first. She had just been discharged from the hospital after a two day admission and was looking forward to the comforts of her own home along with some peace and quiet. Eddie was relieved to be back home and just wanted life to go back to normal, but life would be anything but until several things happened first: they still had Officer Tracy Dowd's funeral to attend; she was at least a week away from from being allowed to return to work, even if it would only be desk duty; and no one would feel safe until their shooter was caught.

The first two were certainties - Tracy's funeral would take place on Sunday and provide some closure for all of them, however nominal, and Eddie would eventually go back to work. She knew Major Crimes was closing in on their shooter after they were finally able to identity him - Larry Kendrick was a mentally unstable career criminal who over the last few years seemed to blame all of the troubles in his life on the police and had a warrant out for his arrest at the time of his shooting for a crime that would most certainly have him doing a long stint in prison this time around, something that he was unwilling to accept. It would just be a matter of time, she hoped, before he would be arrested.

But what was weighing her down along with everything else was Jamie who'd been distant, fidgety and quiet the last several days. She knew the reason, but didn't know what, if anything, she should do about it. Erin had told her not to be afraid to push him to talk, but instead of pushing, she had only nudged him during the brief visits he had made to the hospital. Eddie had only gathered enough courage to ask if something was wrong or whether there was anything he wanted to talk about, which felt like a cop-out on her part. And each attempt resulted with Jamie brushing off her concerns, turning the conversation back to her own injuries with his departure soon thereafter with what was now his normal greeting and goodbye: a nice, chaste kiss to her forehead. Her normally affectionate boyfriend was gone.

Eddie had begged her mother off from staying with her over the next several days, which she only begrudgingly agreed to after making Eddie promise to come stay with her in Long Island after the funeral so that they could spend some time together during her medical leave; she had been shaken by seeing her daughter recovering from a gunshot wound, understandably, and wanted the opportunity mother her back to health. But Eddie had somethings at home to take care of first, allowing her a chance to have a few days with Jamie mostly to herself. She hoped the time together would help him open up to her and ease whatever demons had come back to haunt him.

Eddie made her way to the dining room and slipped out of the light jacket Jamie had helped her into before they left the hospital. Her left arm was still cradled in a sling and would remain there until she followed up with her surgeon. Eddie laid the jacket over the back of a chair, turning to observe Jamie who was taking an unnecessary amount of time stowing her overnight bag along with his jacket, keys and wallet.

Jamie caught her staring as he stepped further into the apartment. "You alright? Do you need something?" he asked, wondering what else he could find to occupy himself.

"No. I think I'm just going to shower and get the hospital smell off of me," Eddie replied as she pointed toward her bathroom. "Wanna keep me company?" she teased, not expecting him to actually join her, but certainly not expecting him to run for the hills.

"Uh, nah. I'm actually going to head back out, pick up your 'scripts and some dinner for later," he said while copying her gesture and pointing at the door.

Eddie's eyes widened slightly at how eager he seemed to head back out. "Oh, okay. Thanks," she said.

Jamie nodded and turned to snatch the jacket, keys and wallet he'd just put away. "Need me to get you anything else while I'm out?"

"No. I'm good," she drawled, doing her darnedest to appear casual on the outside, while on the inside her mind was screaming at her to make him talk.

"Alright. I'll be back in a while," Jamie said and headed out the door, leaving a very worried girlfriend behind.

Eddie sighed heavily and headed for her bathroom and a nice, long hot shower.

* * *

Eddie hadn't been kidding about the long shower. She walked out of her bedroom forty-five minutes later with her wet hair brushed to one side and wearing a loose t-shirt and sweats, about all she could manage to do on her own one-handed. Eddie pressed her arm against her torso, carrying the sling, some bandages and tape as she searched for her runaway boyfriend. "Jamie?"

"Yeah?" Jamie called out from the kitchen where he was putting away a few groceries and unpacking a bag of takeout containers.

"The bandages got a little wet. Can you help me change them?" she asked as she laid the items on the dining room table and settled into one of the chairs.

"Sure," Jamie said. He didn't hesitate to help Eddie, crumbling the brown paper bag in his hands and making his way over to the seat next to her.

Getting his help wasn't the problem, Eddie thought. He had been jumping at the chance to meet her physical needs, anything that meant taking care of her - getting her a bag for the hospital, bringing her food, picking up her meds and chauffeuring her home. But he hid behind a wall when it came to anything remotely related to the emotions the shooting had brought up for all of them. Eddie suspected he felt less likely to be questioned if he just avoided the subject all together. It was time, Eddie realized, to take Erin's advice and push him to confide in her just as he had done when she had been hiding her secret about Springer.

Jamie carefully unwrapped the bandage from around her arm. "Looks like only the edges got wet. Rest of the bandages are dry," he advised, pausing as he removed the final layer, revealing the two small wounds on her arm held closed by steri-strips.

"That's good," Eddie said, turning to take a peek at the wounds for herself and didn't miss the way he was staring intently at her arm. "You alright?" she asked softly.

Jamie's head snapped up at her question. "Fine," he nodded as he tossed the used bandage on the table and reached for a fresh one. He set about making sure the wounds were dry and began the task of rewrapping her bicep.

"You've been really quiet lately," Eddie pointed out, watching for his reaction. What she got, however, wasn't the one she was hoping for.

His head shot back up and his brows knitted together in annoyance. "You got shot Eddie," Jamie reminded her, anger creeping into his voice. "And a cop died," he added.

"I know that, Jamie," she stated, confused and some what defensive that he would get upset with her for showing some concern.

"I'm not supposed to be upset about that?" he asked as he refocused on wrapping her arm.

"No. That's not what I'm saying. It just feels like I've barely seen you since this happened," she tried to explain.

"I'm of more use out on patrol helping look for this guy," he argued lamely, falling back on an excuse he'd used several times already over the past several days.

"I know that. I didn't expect you by my side twenty-four seven, but even when you were there, are here, it's like you're not."

"Everyone's pulling extra shifts," Jamie answered, ignoring her obvious point about him being distracted and distant. He refused to get into this with her. Eddie had enough to deal with, she didn't need his baggage on top of it all.

"I know that too," Eddie shot back, growing frustrated herself.

"Arm's all set. You need to get your sling back on. Doctor's orders," he instructed and reached for the rumpled blue material, helping her through the grimaces and grunts of pain to get her arm back into the restraint, all the while avoiding her eyes.

"Thanks," she said as she watched him stand and gather up the used supplies.

"I brought dinner. I'll bring it over. Let's just eat and relax tonight in front of the TV," Jamie suggested, decidedly putting an end to their conversation. "I don't know about you, but I'll probably crash early."

"Okay," Eddie replied, too tired and in need of one of her pain pills to argue. _Strike one_ , she thought.

* * *

Jamie stood in Eddie's darkened bedroom, watching her sleep soundly propped up against several pillows. She had started to doze off shortly after dinner so Jamie had helped her into bed, making sure she was comfortable before he returned to the living room. He hadn't been ready to get into bed with her and not because he wasn't tired; Jamie hadn't had a good night's sleep since Eddie had been shot. He couldn't stop thinking about how he almost lost her which led him to think about about how he had lost Sydney, transporting him to that night over two and a half years ago where a whole slew of emotions would overcome him. And all of that seemed to carry over in to his dreams which then turned into nightmares, hence the long nights filled with disrupted sleep.

Jamie was certain that the he couldn't go through that again; he couldn't bear that kind of loss again. But he also knew those kinds of things were out of his control. Sydney had died in a car accident and Eddie had been shot by some lunatic while on duty. He couldn't have prevented either from happening. But desperate to shield himself from that kind of pain, he realized there was one way to do that. The rational part of his brain begged him not to make any big decisions while he was still riding an emotional roller coaster, but that was hard to do when you were being led by your fears.

That was how he ended up back here, gazing at Eddie as she slept. Part of him yearned to hold her in his arms, but seeing her like this led him make what he knew to be a rash decision. He was in survival mode right now and unable to see things clearly.

Jamie turned around to head back out to the living room. He wouldn't leave Eddie in the lurch while she was still recovering, but he knew he needed to pull back. He just couldn't do this again.

* * *

Eddie awoke extra early Friday morning to dark and gloomy skies and frowned when she found the left side of her bed still made up and undisturbed. She had been the first to go to bed last night after taking her medications. Jamie had helped her get settled, but claimed that he was not tired enough for sleep, preferring instead to finish the movie he had found for them to watch after dinner.

Eddie struggled slowly and carefully out of bed, heading to the bathroom before going on a search for Jamie. She shuffled out of the bedroom, stopping in the doorway when a dark and quiet apartment greeted her with no sign of her boyfriend. She knew Jamie was due to work a day tour today but it was too early for him to have left already. Disappointed, Eddie headed to the kitchen to check her phone for any messages when a rustling from the couch caught her attention. She made a detour toward the living room, frowning once again when she found Jamie asleep on her sofa still dressed in the street clothes he had worn the day before.

Eddie slipped quietly in between and couch and coffee table, taking a seat in front of him. She watched his still form for several minutes. He was so peaceful right now, a stark contrast to his demeanour the last several days. She didn't want to wake him, the dark smudges under his eyes proof that he needed as much rest as he could get, but she was bothered to find him out here instead of in bed with her. Eddie reached over and ran her hand up and down his arm to rouse him. "Hey," she whispered.

Jamie shifted along the couch, his arms stretching above his head causing his joints to pop in response. He gave Eddie a half smile when he found her gazing back at him. "Hey. You okay?" he rasped.

Eddie nodded. She didn't want to start something so early in the morning but was growing tired of everything. "I'm fine. What are you doing out here? You didn't come to bed last night," she said.

Jamie averted his eyes as he sat up on the couch and picked up the blanket that had fallen to the floor. "I must have fallen asleep watching TV," he guessed.

"Yeah, guess so," she replied with a cold edge to her voice, one which Jamie seemed to ignore.

"What time is it?" he asked while rubbing his face.

"After six."

"I got to get ready for work. I'll make you breakfast first," he offered as he got up and headed to the kitchen.

"I'm not hungry, but I could use some coffee," Eddie told him. She fully expected some crack about her lack of appetite, but got nothing.

"Coffee coming up. But you need to eat something with those pills your taking," Jamie reminded her.

"Yeah, I will...later," she promised as she watched him move around the kitchen like a dutiful servant.

Jamie worked quickly to get the coffee brewing and excused himself to grab a quick shower. Eddie watched him go and sighed once he shut the bathroom door behind him. She went to the kitchen to watch the coffeemaker gurgle and brew the dark roast she always kept in stock, desperate for a strong, fully-caffeinated cup of coffee.

When Jamie emerged, she was sipping her coffee at the breakfast counter. He was all cleaned up and dressed for the day and threw his bag over his shoulder as he neared her. "I'm gonna head out. You sure you don't want me to make you anything before I leave?" he offered again.

"I'm fine," she assured him. "What about you? You still have time, Jamie. Have some coffee at least," she suggested.

"Nah, I'm good," he shrugged off. "I'll grab something later. You know Vinny. He'll have us clocked out on meal sooner than necessary."

Jamie quickly leaned in and kissed the side of her head. Eddie saw it coming and was snaking her good arm around his waist for a hug when he was suddenly pulling out of her grasp.

"I'll see you later. Text me if you need anything," he called out as he headed to the door.

And before she knew it, Pod Person Jamie was gone. "Okay," Eddie said sadly to an empty apartment.


	8. Chapter 8

_Sorry this is bumming some people out; it bummed me out to write it, but hopefully you all stick with it._

Chapter 8

Jamie looked at himself in the mirror and adjusted the tie of his dress blues, then checked his watch once he had it straight. "Eddie! We got to get going if I have to drop you at the 5-4," he shouted toward the bedroom. Officer Dowd's funeral was set for later that morning and Jamie was driving Eddie over to her precinct as they would all be traveling together to the mass. Jamie planned to meet his family at the church for the service and would then give Eddie a lift back home. She wouldn't be joining him and the rest of the family for dinner afterwards because she was heading out to her mom's house on Long Island to spend a few days with her as promised.

Eddie stepped out of the room with her jacket and sling draped over her good arm while she clutched a hairbrush in her hand. "I need your help with my hair," she said begrudgingly. Unable to get her arm up and around to the back of her head without wanting to cry, she spent the last fifteen minutes trying put her hair into a bun one handed. She knew it wouldn't work, but she wanted to avoid asking Jamie to help her. She was now angry with him and preferred not to have to ask him for more help than necessary especially after finding him camped out on he couch again. He'd been restless and didn't want to bother her, he'd said...Eddie knew it was a load of crock but did not confront him. She had a funeral to get ready for and that was enough to deal with at the moment.

She had been unusually quiet ever since that first night at home and things had been pretty uncomfortable between them, no thanks to him. And it seemed to her that he had no interest in making things better. She had a good suspicion about what was going on with him, but still came pretty close to telling him to go home last night in a bout of frustration. She had managed to restrain that impulse, however, when the thought crossed her mind that sending him away might be what he wanted and she wasn't about to let him off so easy. Eddie wasn't done pushing just yet, but today was not the day for that or at least she thought it wasn't.

Jamie, on the other hand, knew he was being stupid and hurtful but fear was driving him right now and he couldn't to stop himself. He had shut down emotionally and tried compensating for that with physical acts to help care for her at home. He wasn't sure what he was going to do once she was all healed. He hadn't thought things out that far...actually, he wasn't really thinking anything out at all.

Jamie's eyes widened in surprise. "Seriously?" he asked.

Eddie rolled her own eyes in annoyance. "I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't serious, Reagan," she snapped. "I can't get my arm up to get it into a bun."

"Uh, I'm not sure I know how to do that," Jamie muttered.

"It just has to be functional. I don't care what it looks like," Eddie countered. "You know what? Never mind," she huffed when he made no move to help and turned to head back to the bedroom. "A Harvard education and he can't manage a bun," she mumbled under her breath.

"No, Eddie, it's fine. I'll do it. I've just...I've never done a girl's hair before," he explained and waited to see if she still wanted him to help her with it.

Eddie had her back turned to him, really wanting to forget about her hair and the funeral and this whole horrible week. She wanted nothing more than to jump under the covers and cry herself to sleep, but she had no choice. She was a mess emotionally but had to suck it up and get through today, so she turned around and made her way over to Jamie, handing over the brush and a couple of hairbands. "Just pull my hair into a ponytail and twist it around until you coil it into a bun and throw another band around it," she instructed. "Like I said, it doesn't have to look good."

Jamie worked behind her, uncertain that he was actually going to succeed, but smiled in satisfaction when he managed to get her hair to stay in place. It even looked somewhat like a bun despite some wisps of hair poking out in a few places. "There," he said proudly. "Wanna take a look?"

"No. Not really," she sighed. Eddie began to slip her injured arm into her jacket when Jamie jumped in to help her. She nodded her thanks and stepped away to get the sling on by herself.

Jamie grabbed his cap and asked, "You ready?"

"Yeah," Eddie whispered, snatching her own cap off the dining room table before heading for the door.

Jamie frowned, hating to see Eddie upset and knew he was partially responsible for that. Still, he couldn't stop himself from from automatically asking a dumb question. "Hey. You okay?"

Eddie stopped just as she grabbed hold of the door handle to glance at him over her shoulder. "You really want to know?" she asked incredulously. The way he'd been acting the last few days, she wasn't sure of the answer to that question.

"Yeah. Of course," he said softly, forgetting about his behavior for a moment.

"Truth is," Eddie paused to keep the tears at bay the tears, "I'm not. Believe it or not I've never been to a funeral before. I guess I've been lucky that way. And I keep thinking that it could have been me," she admitted, promptly closing her mouth to prevent herself from saying anything else that would only make matters worse right now.

Jamie looked down to where his hands clutched his cap, his jaw clenching tightly. He'd been having that same thought over and over again since the shooting happened. It was what had him terrified right now.

Unfortunately, Eddie took his silence as yet another example of the cold behavior that had become the norm for him. The old Jamie would have pulled her into a warm embrace by now, promising her that everything would get better, that he would be at her side to get her through this. But she didn't see any of that happening anytime soon.

Eddie took in a shaky breath and turned back around to walk out the door with Jamie following dutifully behind.

* * *

There was a massive turnout for Officer Dowd's funeral, as there always was for a fallen officer, with an out pouring of unity and support from other law enforcement agencies both near and far. Still, it had been difficult for all of them and Jamie had made sure to find Eddie among the officers from the 5-4 as they filed into the church. She sat on the other end of the aisle, a few rows behind Tracy Dowd's family, flanked by her partner and Officer Lee. Eddie seemed to be holding her own for the most part, but the tears finally broken free when as Tracy's fiancee eulogized her. But just as quickly as it began, it was over leaving Eddie to wonder what came next.

Jamie pulled the Mustang up in front of Eddie's apartment building and shifted it into park. He turned to look at Eddie who had not said a single word since they left the church. Her eyes were still red and puffy and he ached to reach out and comfort her, but held back on that desire. "You want me to come up and help you with anything?" he offered.

"Not if you don't want to," Eddie responded, her eyes fixated on the shield of her service cap.

Jamie narrowed his eyes at her. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

"It means that you've been coming over the last few days but I'm not so sure you want to be here. I mean, why bother, Jamie?" she barked. Eddie knew she might regret anything and everything that came out of her mouth right now while her emotions were so raw and exposed, but she was in pain too and after everything she had just experienced, she'd had enough and needed to get a lot off her chest.

"To take care of you, Eddie," Jamie fired back.

"There's more to taking care of someone than fetching groceries and changing bandages, Reagan," she pointed out.

"I don't know what else you want from me," he said in a raised voice.

"I need _you,_ Jamie. I want you to talk to me. I want to feel like I can talk to you the way I could before Tuesday night. That you're not going to run every time the subject turns to everything that happened," she ranted.

Jamie looked down to where his hands had a stranglehold on the steering wheel, knowing he couldn't do that. "I'm doing the best that I can, Eddie," he claimed.

"If you were we'd be talking to each other, not having some ridiculous fight in your car," Eddie hissed.

Jamie looked straight ahead, his jaw clenching repeatedly as he fought with the emotions warring inside. "Maybe it's a good thing that you'll be at your mom's for a few days," he said quietly.

Eddie's eyes widened in shock, turning quickly to look out the window and hide her glassy eyes. "You're probably right," she said, her voice pained. Eddie promptly got out of the car and slammed the door behind her. "Strike two, Janko," she whispered sadly as the tears now ran freely down her cheeks for the second time that day.

Jamie's chin dropped to his chest. He was too much of a coward to watch her walk up the steps to her building, knowing he'd chase after her, but he had no idea of what he would say if he did.

* * *

 _Family dinner next and Frank tries to to get Jamie to talk._


	9. Chapter 9

_A million thanks to all of the reviews for the last chapter, sorry I have no been able to send back a note of thanks. Please keep them coming._

 _Holy moly! Did I really post the wrong chapter? Ugh. Sorry. Here's the right one. Banging my head against the wall..._

 _Chapter 9_

The mood was somber at the Reagan home as it could only be after attending the funeral of a fellow NYPD officer. The family worked together to finish pulling together the meal Nicky had stayed behind to oversee while she also watch over the boys and allow Linda the opportunity to attend the services with Danny.

It was only a simple spaghetti dinner today, but it was more than enough as no one was all that hungry to begin with. Danny slipped out of his jacket and hung it across the back of his chair as he reached up to loosen his tie. He envied his father and grandfather who'd already changed out of their dress blues and into more comfortable garments. He was in such a rush to get out of the house this morning that he left without a change of clothes and now wondered if changing out of his own funeral attire would help lift his sour mood.

Everyone was taking their seats when the front door opened and closed quickly and Jamie soon walked into the dining room, heading directly to his customary seat next to his grandfather. He'd come so close to bailing on dinner today, sick to his stomach about the argument he'd just had with Eddie. But doing that was strictly prohibited unless an emergency arose or duty called and would no doubt lead to more questions with at least one phone call from his father to check in on him. Jamie was relieved that his father had been too preoccupied with department business to make the customary phone call he was known for when any of his children was dealing with a problem.

Frank glanced at his youngest, noting the firm set of his jaw. "Good timing, Jamie. We all just sat down," he said, frowning when he only received a nod and a fleeting glance in return.

Frank exchanged a look with his father who shrugged subtly after also noting that something was troubling the boy, something more than the gloom that accompanied the loss of a colleague. They both had barely seen Jamie this week, what with Frank staying atop the manhunt for their shooter and Jamie juggling work and caring for Eddie. Frank could only imagine what he and Eddie had both gone through this past week and suspected some old ghosts had resurfaced for Jamie because of it.

Frank and Henry weren't the only ones that noticed Jamie's mood as Erin, Danny and Linda gandered at each other when Jamie dropped heavily into his seat.

Frank let the issue go for now and decided to say Grace, feeling especially grateful for the chance to be here with his family. Today was another sad reminder among many that each day was precious, to be cherished and lived to the fullest and he prayed that it was a sentiment that each and every person at this table never forgot.

"Amen," the family said in unison after Frank finished the blessing.

Nicky pulled her napkin from her plate as she turned to scan the living room behind her, asking, "Where's Eddie, Uncle Jamie?" She hadn't seen Eddie since before she got hurt and had been wanting to see for herself that she was okay. Jamie's girlfriend had easily bonded with the youngest Reagans, Jamie often joking that it was because Eddie was much like a kid herself.

Jamie turned to face his niece across the empty seat separating them, forgetting that Eddie's absence would be the first of many questions from this group. "Oh, uh, her mom was picking her up so she could spend a few days with her out on Long Island," he explained. He kept his head down, looking intently at the bowl of spaghetti in his hand as he carefully laid noodles onto his plate.

"That will be good for her, to get a break from the city and everything that happened," Linda commented.

"I can only imagine what must have been going through her mind during the service," Erin said. Everyone knew it was luck that saved Eddie that day.

Frank studied Jamie down at the other end of the table. His son had yet to make direct eye contact with him or anyone, really, since arriving. And now he was focused solely on the dishes being passed around on the table. Frank thought back to the hospital waiting room where Jamie also found it difficult to look him in the eye and regretted that he hadn't checked on him all week. "How's she feeling?" Frank asked casually, hoping to engage his son in conversation.

Jamie didn't hear the question, but the silence that followed caught his attention and he was surprised to find all eyes turned on him. "What?" he asked as he scanned the faces staring back at him.

Danny's brow wrinkled at his kid brother; it was like he was a million miles away. The funeral had been difficult for all of them, but not to this degree. "Eddie. How's she feeling?" he repeated their father's question.

Jamie averted his eyes momentarily and shrugged as he answered. "Better, but it's still painful for her to move her arm too much." _Unfortunately, her arm wasn't the only thing causing her pain right now,_ he thought.

Linda peeked over at Erin, reading her mind as she also thought back to the day they visited Eddie. One day after the shooting and the younger woman was more concerned for Jamie than herself. "I'm sure the doc will set her up with PT after her follow-up. That'll help her get back to normal," she assured everyone the table.

"Yup," Jamie sighed as he poked at the food on his plate.

"Eddie mentioned that Officer Dowd came from a pretty big family when we visited her at the hospital. She wasn't kidding. That was some showing," Erin noted in an attempt to keep the conversation flowing.

"Sure was. Usually the family gets lost in a sea of blue," Henry agreed. "That wasn't the case today."

"I read she only had a few years on the job," Nicky commented.

Frank regretted that it took something like this to learn more about the people that worked for him. He knew it was impossible to acquaint himself with each of the 35,000 men and women under his command, but nonetheless, he wished they were more than a faceless name and badge number before he had to meet with their grieving families. "That's right. She was just in her second year. Her COs said she showed great potential. This was a tremendous loss for the department...each one of them is," Frank lamented.

"She was in your precinct, dad. Did you know her?" Jack asked.

"Nah, not really. I've seen her around a time or two at the precinct, but I never had a chance to speak to her," Danny said regretfully. It was impossible to strike up a relationship with everyone who worked in his precinct, but much like his father, Danny still felt badly that he had nothing to offer about a good cop from his own house.

"Was Eddie good friends with her, Uncle Jamie?" Sean followed.

"They knew each other through work, bud," Jamie offered briefly as he picked at his pasta. He wasn't finding the conversation or the meal very appealing after his argument with Eddie.

"How's the investigation going?" Linda asked.

"We're chasing our tails," Danny grumbled. "We get leads everyday, but seems like we're just waiting for one of them to pan out," he explained as he twirled a few strands of spaghetti onto his fork. The whole department was frustrated that they didn't have this animal in custody already.

Frank swallowed before stepping in to add what he knew. "His family's cooperating as far as we can tell. We don't think he would have been able to get very far, not without stealing a car or ripping someone off; the man apparently didn't have a dime to his name. But we'll get him." Of that, Frank was certain.

"I guess that's good and bad," Erin commented.

"Yeah, good that he's still here somewhere for us to nail him. Bad that he's hiding out in one of the largest cities in the world," Henry groused.

"Like a needle in a haystack," Nicky sighed.

"But he won't be able to hide forever," Danny said.

"Let's just hope we find him before he decides to shoot another cop," Jamie muttered as he hunched over his plate, blind to frowns being exchanged by the family.

* * *

Erin, Danny and their families headed home shortly after dinner. It had been an arduous and emotional day that they all were ready to bring to an end. Henry had headed upstairs and Jamie had crashed on the couch in the sunroom while Frank had settled in his armchair with a glass of scotch and a section of the Sunday Times looking for a distraction.

Frank was deep into an op-ed piece on racial profiling when a never-ending howl caught his attention. Frank turned to glance into the sunroom, finding the television on, illuminating the otherwise darkening room, but he was unable to make out what was airing. Realizing it was just him and Jamie downstairs, Frank tossed aside his newspaper and went into the other room to check in with his youngest son. He'd remained tight-lipped through the end of the meal and Frank was on the receiving end of several knowing looks from various members of the family, no doubt wanting him to step in and make sure Jamie was okay.

Jamie's gaze remained on the television as Frank stepped into the room. Frank was surprised to find the channel switched to a soccer match and...Frank's brow wrinkled in confusion. Were the announcers calling the game in Spanish? He didn't understand what they were saying, but he was able to eventually identify the language as Spanish.

Frank studied his son as he sat back in the love seat. Jamie lay across the length of the couch. He had stripped out of his jacket and uniform shirt, down to the t-shirt he wore underneath. He seemed to be in a trance, but Frank doubted that the riveting soccer action between Mexico and Costa Rica was what had him so captivated.

"Since when do you watch soccer in Spanish?" Frank asked.

"Vinny turned me on to it. I like listening to the announcer," Jamie replied without so much as a glance at his father.

Just as Jamie spoke those words, the sportscaster announced another goal by Mexico in a manner that even impressed Frank. "I can see why. I think that would go over pretty well at a Jets game," Frank mused.

A small smile tugged at Jamie's lips. "That's what I said," he replied.

Frank watched the game in silence for a few minutes, trying to think of the best way to get the conversation flowing with Jamie. In the end, Frank went with what always worked best for him - the direct approach. "So? How is Eddie? Really?" he asked.

Jamie tried not to flinch at the question. He'd been unable to stop thinking of their last conversation all afternoon. He had even considered calling her to apologize, but he'd chickened out. That seemed to be his M.O. these days. He couldn't get himself to face anything head on. "Uh, she's good. Getting better, like I said," he stated flatly. He wasn't surprised his father was asking about Eddie again...let the fishing expedition commence.

"That was quite a scare you both went through," Frank commented, continuing when Jamie made no move to respond. "You know, Jamie, there's no shame in admitting this had you out of sorts," he said without a clue as to how much Jamie had really been affected by the shooting.

 _Had?_ Jamie laughed inwardly, but he still did not hesitate to deny it to his father. "I'm fine. Eddie's the one that got shot," he fired back while he pretended to concentrate on the game.

"The pain and fear isn't limited to the person who was physically hurt. You, of all people, should know that," he said sadly.

"Here we go," Jamie whispered as he sat up on the couch. "I'm not in the mood for a pep talk or to get psychoanalyzed," he warned.

"Then you do have stuff on your mind," Frank concluded.

"Stuff that I got to figure out on my own," Jamie clarified.

"Doesn't have to be that way," Frank reminded him.

"I need to figure out what's best for me and I don't need everyone else jumping in and telling me what to do," Jamie snapped back.

Frank nodded, disturbed by the anger coming from Jamie. "Okay. As long as you know that you can't go making decisions that may affect the rest of your life while you're hiding from the real issues. Don't forget you have a whole support system here, from me right down to Eddie, who love you and are ready to listen when you're ready."

They sat there quietly, Frank hoping his son would open up to him and Jamie too stubborn and afraid to confess what was really going on in his head because just like he couldn't prevent the bad things from happening, no one could promise him that he would never have to go through something like this again, so what was the point?

"It's fine. I got to go," Jamie eventually said. And with that, he stood up and headed to the door, leaving Frank to wonder what else he could say or do to help his son.


	10. Chapter 10

_If you're reading this, then I have managed to upload the correct chapter today. ;)_

 _I would recommend checking out chapter 9 again just to make sure you read the correct one yesterday._

Chapter 10

Jamie yawned into his hand for what must have been the hundredth time into the second hour of their midnight tour which not escape Vinny's attention. Not only had his partner been a little edgy and tired the past week, but he knew all was not well in Reagan-land when Jamie offered him a chance to drive without a second thought for the third consecutive tour.

"You sure you're okay?" Vinny asked with a quick glance to the passenger's seat.

"Don't start, Vin," Jamie warned as he straightened up in his chair. "I'm fine. Just tired."

Vinny knew his partner well enough see that he was lying but he was never good at backing off and letting things just be. "Eddie back from Long Island yet?" he prodded, pretty certain that whatever troubled his partner involved his recently injured girlfriend.

"No. Don't think so," Jamie replied while scanning the street.

Vinny shot Jamie a quick look of disbelief before refocusing on traffic. Those two were tighter than any couple he knew and if all was well, there was no way Jamie didn't know if Eddie was back. "You don't think so?" he asked for clarification.

"She's away with her mom, Vinny," Jamie sighed. Vinny missed the roll of his eyes in the darkened interior of the RMP. "She needed a break. She didn't say when she'd be back." _I also haven't asked because I haven't spoken to her,_ he admitted to himself.

"I get that," Vinny said, understanding Eddie's need to get away, but not Jamie's claim of ignorance as to when she would return. "When's the last time you talked to her?" he asked.

Jamie pinned him with a glare that immediately had Vinny backing off. "Okay. Okay...none of my beeswax. Sorry," Vinny apologized and surrendered to the prospect of yet another long and quiet tour with his grumpy partner.

Jamie's cellphone rang from where it sat in a cup holder a moment later and the device lit up the inside of the car as Danny's name and number popped up on the screen. If not for the very late hour, Jamie would have let the call go to voicemail. Calls made in the middle of the night were never good, even when both the caller and recipient were on the clock. Jamie swiped the answer button and brought the phone up to his ear, praying he wouldn't be getting more bad news. "Yeah?" he answered.

 _"We got him, kid!" Danny's voice boomed through the line._

Even Vinny was able to make out the words and sent his partner a questioning look.

Jamie knew who 'him' was, but still felt the need to ask for confirmation. "Who, Danny?"

 _"Who? Who do you think, kid? Kendrick. We got him!" Danny confirmed excitedly._

"Where?" Jamie asked as he met Vinny's eyes.

 _"He was spotted in the basement of an apartment building in Harlem. We've had some plain clothes sitting on his location since earlier tonight. We were able to confirm it was him and sent S.W.A.T. in," Danny relayed._

Jamie could tell that Danny was still riding the adrenaline high from the takedown. He released a sigh of relief; it would be nice knowing they wouldn't be on pins and needles wondering if and when Kendrick would strike again. "Everyone okay?"

 _"Everyone's fine, but Kendrick took multiple shots. He's on his way to the hospital, but he's likely, Jamie. Whatever happens, he'll get what he deserves. I thought you should know so you could pass word on to Eddie. He's not going to hurt anyone else."_

"Yeah," Jamie sighed. He didn't know what else to say.

 _"Jamie? You there?" Danny asked._

"Yeah."

 _"You alright?"_

"I'm fine. I'll pass word along. Thanks, Danny," Jamie said and ended the call, staring down as the phone switched back to its home screen which was a photo of him and Eddie taken a few months back while they'd been out to dinner with Vinny and Carli after a shared bottle of wine, looking utterly relaxed and happy.

"What happened?" Vinny asked from the driver's seat.

Jamie shook his head, ridding himself of the fog that had surrounded him during the call. "Uh, they got him...Kendrick. He was shot in the takedown. He may not make it," Jamie answered.

"Thank God for that! I hope he burns in hell," Vinny exclaimed. "Eddie will be relieved to hear that."

"Yeah. She will," Jamie confirmed as he turned to stare out the window.

* * *

Jamie stumbled out of his bedroom, still groggy from a restless sleep after a long tour made even longer by the news Danny had delivered overnight. The department would be spared any more pain inflicted by Kendrick, but instead of seeing this as an end to a nightmare, the new pessimist in him just left him wondering about the other unknown dangers lurked around the corner. It was irrational, but he had one goal now and that was self-preservation.

Jamie was shuffling toward the kitchen when movement from the couch startled him, causing him to stumble back into a dining room chair. "Jesus!" he exclaimed as a hand shot up to his chest. His heart hammered away even after he identified his visitor.

Eddie stood from the couch and crossed her arms across her chest, turning to face him. Part of her was pleased about the fright she caused him...serves him right.

"Eddie. What are you doing here?" Jamie asked. He remained there and reached back to brace himself against the chair he fell into.

"This seemed to be the only way I'd get you to talk to me," she asserted. She'd been gone for four days and had not spoken to him once during that time, but not for lack of trying on her part. Even with how he'd been acting before she left and the argument they'd had after the funeral, Eddie was determined to get through to him. She wanted nothing more than to fix this, to be there for him just like he had for her the year before, the way he was always there for her since the day they first met.

"When did you get back?" Jamie asked ignoring what she was really alluding to.

"Yesterday," Eddie answered while she came around to the other side of the sofa closer to where he stood. She studied him, noting that he looked about as tired as she felt.

"How was Long Island?" Jamie continued with the small talk.

Eddie decided to play his game for a bit. "Peachy," she answered with a forced smile.

Jamie evaded Eddie's knowing eyes, landing on her left arm. "Where's your sling?" he questioned.

"I don't have to wear it anymore. Saw the doc this morning. He's clearing me for desk duty as of Monday. I'll be stuck at the precinct until I finish PT," Eddie replied. Her eyes bore into his despite their attempts to roam around the room.

Jamie pressed his lips into a tight smile. "That's good news," he said.

"Yeah, it is," she sighed. Eddie quickly decided she didn't have the patience for games. "You would have known that if you would have taken my calls," she said.

"I've been working nights," Jamie replied.

"That never kept you from calling me before...even a text would have been great," Eddie shot back.

"I'm sorry, Eddie. I've just been busy," Jamie said lamely.

"I don't think that's the truth," she accused.

"Eddie -"

"Jamie, I know the shooting brought up a lot of memories for you -" Eddie started to say.

"Don't," Jamie interjected with a shake of his head.

"But I'm here. I'm okay," Eddie declared. "I need you to see that."

"I don't want to talk about this," Jamie responded and stepped away into the kitchen.

Eddie didn't plan to let him walk away so easily. She had to fix this. "Jamie, I can't imagine what losing Sydney was like -"

Jamie spun arround, his expression angry, one he had never directed at Eddie. "You have no right to bring her up," he hissed.

Eddie was stunned by his response, but she would not back down today. "I think I do. I love you and if you can't talk to me about this, Jamie, then I'm not sure what we're doing." Eddie remained frozen, trying her hardest to read the man that up until a few weeks ago had practically been an open book...well, all except for that one chapter about his late wife.

Jamie leaned forward, gripping the edge of the countertop. His eyes were still averted and studying some point on the white linoleum floor. "You're right," he said.

Eddie was surprised. She thought this was going to be a lot harder and was flooded with relief. "Good," she said as she took a few tentative steps toward him.

"No," Jamie shook his head, "I mean...us, I...this was a mistake," he said sadly.

"What?" Eddie gasped. Surely she must have heard wrong, but tears still sprung to her eyes.

Jamie took a deep breath and finally forced himself to meet her eyes. "I don't think we should see each other anymore. It's not going to work."

"Jamie, you can't be serious," Eddie said as her stomach dropped.

"I've been thinking about this a lot since everything happened," Jamie explained.

Hurt battled anger as Eddie responded. "It's nice that you've been thinking about it because all it seemed to me like you were doing was avoiding it all. You still are. Why can't you talk to me?"

"I'm talking now. This isn't going to work," Jamie said.

"So, what? You're just going to keep running?" Eddie asked with an edge to her voice as tears broke free and ran down her face. "What's your plan? To keep pushing people away because you might get hurt again? I didn't die out there on that street in Brooklyn, Tracy did. I'm right here, Jamie," she shouted, desperate to make him understand.

"This time," he replied.

"What?" Eddie uttered in confusion, continuing when it seemed that Jamie had shut down right before her very eyes. "Jamie, just slow down. Let's talk about this," she urged calmly.

"I can't do this, Eddie. I'm sorry," he said, his jaw clenching shut at the pain he was causing her.

Eddie took big heaving breaths and she angrily swiped at the stupid tears; she wasn't going to start sobbing in front of him. Part of her was too proud to let him or anyone see that. "Yeah...so am I," she said when she was able to speak around the lump in her throat. "I wish I never would have met you, Reagan. Would have saved us both a lot of grief, apparently," she whispered and grabbed her bag from the couch on her way out of the apartment.

Jamie flinched when the door slammed shut behind her, closing his eyes as he released a shuddering breath. _What the hell did I just do?_

But he couldn't make himself go after her.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Danny opened the door to precinct for his partner, frustrated that he couldn't get her to understand the situation. It was simple. How much clearer could he be? "All I'm saying is that if you had let me drive like I normally do -"

"Always do," Baez interjected with a raised brow aimed back at her cantankerous partner.

"- we would have gotten there long before they ran out of tacos," he proclaimed, ignoring her jab.

"Would you get over the tacos already, please! I'll get you some freaking tacos tomorrow," Baez promised, anything to get him to shut up already.

"Who knows where we'll be tomorrow! How often do we get a day when we're not running around town chasing after some maniac?" Danny argued.

Baez swung her arm in front of her as she snapped her fingers. "Oh, darn! So the stars were aligned today? Is that what you're saying?" she mocked, turning a woeful glance at her partner who followed behind with his hands stuffed into his pockets and his head lowered like a petulant four year old who had been denied his favorite treat. "We had a quiet day in the squad and your favorite greasy taco truck was parked on Church Street and I messed that up with my driving?" she asked for clarification.

"Yes," Danny grumbled with a firm shake of his head, surprised that it took his normally sharp partner this long to realize what she had done.

"Oh, brother," Maria sighed with a roll of her brown eyes. Being his partner was often exhausting, she thought to herself as she stabbed the call button for the elevator with more force than necessary. "Who ever heard of a taco business running out of tacos anyway? Sounds like poor planning to me. I probably saved you from food poisoning."

Danny shook his head, still obsessing over lost opportunities when he caught a familiar blonde crossing the other end of the hall. He hadn't seen Eddie since that day he visited her in the hospital and his little brother had been MIA lately. Danny sensed that something was up with those two, but, regrettably, had been too preoccupied with the Kendrick search and a subsequent case to check in with them. Danny turned toward his partner as the doors to the elevator opened. "Hey, I'll meet you upstairs. Just want to go say 'hey' to someone," he said while already turning to head down the hall.

"Alright," Baez said without a second thought as she stepped into the elevator. She smirked as the doors closed, looking forward to a few minutes of peace up in the squad room, hopeful that the Great Taco Fiasco of 2014 would be left in the past.

Danny stopped in front of the doorway he'd seen Eddie enter, spotting her near one of the desks at the far end of the room seemingly engrossed in the paperwork she held in her hands. He walked towards her, his eyes narrowing at the dull appearance of her normally sparkling blue eyes. "Hey, Eddie," Danny greeted, taking in the slumped curve of her shoulders.

Eddie's head snapped up at the unexpected visitor. "Detective," she greeted back flatly. She had been counting her lucky stars that she had yet to run into him and guessed her luck had just run out.

Danny smiled tightly. She looked a bit fatigued to him and worried she might be back sooner than necessary. "I didn't realize you were back already," he commented.

"Yes, I've been back for a few days now," Eddie replied, stepping over to the desk sergeant and slipping the paperwork into one of the bins on the ledge.

Danny followed behind as he continued to study the blonde officer. "I've been chasing my tail trying to track down a perp the last few days. I've barely spent any time in the squad room until today," he explained. Eddie didn't reply, only walked away back to her desk. Danny frowned at the chilly reception. He and Eddie weren't best buddies or anything but he had seen enough of her at the weekly dinners to know this was not her normal demeanor. "Haven't seen you in a few weeks. So, I guess you're healing up okay, that's good to see," he continued the conversation despite Eddie clearly not being in the mood for inane pleasantries.

"Yes, thanks," she replied with a tight smile before pulling another file from a large stack on her desk.

Danny was a seasoned detective who often dealt with difficult and skittish witnesses. And although Eddie was far from being a witness in one of his cases, Danny recognized that this warranted some of the subtle interrogation tactics he'd fine-tuned over the years. "You know, even though Jamie gets stuck on tour doesn't mean you can't come over for dinner without him."

Eddie cast a quick glance at the detective, her brow creasing in confusion before she focused back on her work. "I don't know what you mean," she sighed.

"You okay, Eddie?" Danny's brow was equally furrowed.

"Fine," she replied.

Danny brought his hands up to his hips, worried there was more going on here than he knew. "You're about as chatty as the kid is these days. You two okay?"

"You should ask him that question," Eddie suggested.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Danny asked.

"It means what it means, Detective. Speak your brother. Maybe you can get him to talk. He's not my problem anymore," she said in the same flat tone and got up to put some distance between herself and Danny.

"Hey, Eddie. Stop for a second," Danny said softly and grabbed her arm. He didn't want to cause a scene in the middle of the precinct but he needed to get some answers from her now. "What's going on with you two?"

Eddie crossed her arms, annoyed that Danny Reagan was bringing this up here of all places. But the man was like a dog with a bone and she knew he wouldn't give up so easily. "Jesus. You really don't know?"

"Know what?" he asked.

Eddie added this to the growing list things she could kill Jamie for. "We aren't seeing each other any more. And now, if you don't mind, I got to get back to work. I would rather not discuss this here. Actually, I'd rather not discuss this at all, least of all with you, no offense," she snapped and walked out into the hallway.

Danny was relentless, however, and followed. "None taken, I guess. Wait. When did this happen?" he asked as he jogged to stay even with her. Who knew her short legs could carry her so far and so quickly.

"I mean it. I really don't want to talk about that here," Eddie warned.

"Okay," Danny conceded at the pained expression on her face.

"I gotta go. I got PT and a ton of paperwork to get done before I leave. I'll see you around, Detective," she said and continued down the hall into the women's locker room where she prayed he wouldn't follow.

"Yeah. See ya," Danny whispered as he was left standing in the hallway trying to comprehend what had just happened.

* * *

Danny jogged up the sidewalk outside of the 12th Precinct when he spotted a familiar figure walking away from him. "Hey, kid! Hold up," he called out.

Jamie spun around at the sound of his brother's voice, surprised to see him. "Hey. What are you doing here?" Jamie asked as he adjusted the gym bag hanging from his shoulder.

Danny came to a stop in front of his brother, making note of the same weariness he had seen on Eddie's face earlier in the day. "I wanted to catch up with you. Missed you at dinner on Sunday," Danny said with a playful slap to his brother's shoulder.

"I had to work," Jamie shrugged and turned around to head back out.

"So dad said," Danny sighed at his brother's curt reply. "Want to grab a beer?" he offered.

"Can't. I got time booked in the ring and I'm already late," Jamie responded without any hesitation, clearly dismissing his brother. But much to Jamie's dismay, his brother tagged along.

"Okay. I'll walk with you. You know I ran into Eddie today," he said, waiting for his brother's reaction.

Jamie stiffened at the mention of her name. "Yeah?" he said as he waited on the curb for traffic to clear.

"Yeah. She's riding a desk while she goes through PT, but I'm sure you knew that already," Danny said.

"What's your point, Danny?" Jamie sighed, knowing this wasn't purely a social call.

"She told me you two aren't together anymore."

"That's true," Jamie confirmed.

"What happened, Jamie?" Danny asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," Jamie snapped as he crossed the street.

"You're obviously not happy about it. Spill kid. Maybe I can help," Danny offered, jogging after his brother much like he had done with Eddie.

"There's nothing for you to help with, Danny," Jamie stressed.

"But you two seemed to be doing real good, up until...until the shooting," Danny said, understanding finally hitting him.

"Yeah. Everything was great. Now it's not. Things happen," Jamie said.

"What things?" Danny wondered, wanting confirmation of his suspicions.

"Can we drop it? Eddie and I aren't together. Life goes on. It's better this way. If we're done, I really gotta go," he said and stalked off without giving Danny a chance to respond.

"Yeah. Nice talking to you, kid," Danny said to himself, digging into his coat pocket for his phone. He glanced down at the device to hit a button, looking back up at his brother as he disappeared into the distance. "Hey, dad. I think we really need to talk," he said.

* * *

 _I had to add a little silliness from Danny and Baez after the last chapter._


	12. Chapter 12

_This chapter is like a Friday night rerun for some. :)_

Chapter 12

Winded, Jamie slowed from a steady jog to a brisk walk as he cut through Madison Square Park. He'd run longer than planned and needed to give himself a chance to catch his breath. He wiped the sweat from his face with the hem of his t-shirt before bringing his hands to his hips as he headed to one of the exits. The late afternoon run helped to clear his mind, as exercise normally did for him, but it would be short lived, knowing that his mind would soon be spinning again with everything that had happened over the last several weeks. Jamie was making his way out onto Madison Avenue when he thought he heard his name called from somewhere behind him and turned to scan the park.

"Jamie Reagan!? I thought that was you!" A businessman with a full head of salt and pepper hair walked quickly to catch up to Jamie. "It's good to see you, son," the smiling man said as he extended his hand.

Jamie's eyes widened at the unexpected run-in with Sydney's father. "Mr. Davenport," he panted, his slowing heart rate now jumping back up a few notches. "Wow, uh, sorry, this is a nice surprise," he stammered as he reached out to shake Alan Davenport's hand.

"You're telling me," the older man confirmed. "I'm working out of the Manhattan office this week. I thought I was seeing things when I first caught sight of you. It's been what, almost two years since we've seen each other?"

Jamie nodded, trying his best to hide how thrown off he was by this encounter. "Uh, less than that, actually," he corrected. "Last time I saw you was when I came up to Stamford the year after," he added, looking away as understanding dawned on Alan Davenport's face.

Sydney's father smiled sadly, averting his eyes as well as he replied. "Yes, that's right. Far too long," he trailed off and shook his head as he regarded Jamie. "You look well, son. How's the job treating you? Are you still on patrol?"

"Yeah, still on patrol out of the 12th," Jamie confirmed. They had always gotten along real well, Alan bonding with him pretty much from the get go, jokingly claiming that he was desperate for a new male addition to a family comprised of mostly women. Sydney's father had also been more accepting of his career choice after law school than most everyone else, his own family included. He had been in his corner, telling him he admired the guts it took to follow his heart and had no doubt he'd be able to provide for his daughter. Despite the privileged upbringing he'd provided Sydney and her sisters, Alan Davenport came from humble beginnings and knew money wasn't the most important thing in the world. He had also been vital in helping smooth things over with Sydney's mother after she fixated on him for pulling a bait and switch. But they eventually lost touch after Sydney passed. As well as they had gotten along, life went on and they were each painful reminders of who they had lost.

"It was a hell of a thing with that shooter. I was sorry to hear that an officer died. You were the first person I thought of, Jamie. You were no where near that, were you?" he asked.

Jamie's stomach turned as it always did at the mention of that night. "No, I wasn't," he said.

"That's good. I was glad to hear he was caught. Must be a relief for all of you," Alan said.

"Yeah, it was. Uh, so how's Mrs. Davenport?" he asked in an attempt to change topics.

"Regina? She's good. She's doing a lot better these days. It's a hell of thing to lose a child. Probably no easier than what you went through, I'm sure. It's just hard to believe we're going on three years."

"Yeah."

"How about you? Everything good with you?" the older man asked, seeing the discomfort on Jamie's face.

"Yeah, everything's good," Jamie said, nodding his head as if to back up his statement.

"I'm glad, Jamie," Alan smiled fondly. "Sydney would have wanted nothing more than to see you happy. She loved you so much," he said. "That's what I would tell Regina during her darkest days. My baby girl would not have wanted any of us living in some shroud of sadness, but I guess sometimes it just takes time for us to accept that. And you gotta have something to live for too. You're lucky, son, to have your family, and I have no doubt that someday someone as special as Sydney will come into your life again."

Jamie bit his lower lip and nodded as he looked to the ground. Chances were that had already happened and he'd screwed it up.

"Well, listen to me," Alan chuckled. "I've taken enough of your time and I have some investors waiting for me. Say hello to your father for me," he requested.

"I will, sir. You do the same with Mrs. Davenport," Jamie replied as he shook his hand.

"I will, son. Take care," Alan said, turning away with a wave of his hand.

"Bye," Jamie sighed as he watched Alan head back through the park.

* * *

Jamie stepped out of the elevator and was too stunned about running into Alan Davenport on the street that he didn't see the large figure looming at the end of the hallway. It wasn't until he was halfway to his apartment that he noticed his father outside his door. Jamie let out a heavy sigh, wondering how far he could run before his father sent his detail after him. Based on the look on his father's face, not very far. "Jeez, today's the day for fathers to come out of the woodwork," he muttered.

Frank gave Jamie a questioning look. "Come again?"

"Never mind," Jamie sighed again and unlocked the door. "Let me guess? Danny sent you 'cause he doesn't have enough to do but stick his big nose where it doesn't belong?" Jaime complained as he entered his apartment.

"Your brother was concerned," Frank confirmed as he shut the door behind them.

Jamie went into the kitchen and threw his keys onto the counter before opening the fridge to grab some water. "He doesn't have to be," Jamie declared as he took a chug from the bottle.

"How's Eddie?" Frank asked as he stopped in front of the kitchen.

Jamie froze at the question. "If Danny sent you, you know we're not seeing each other," he grumbled, preferring to just get to the point and have this fatherly check-in over with.

"I'm sorry about that," Frank said.

"Yeah, well, it happens. No big deal," Jamie shrugged.

Frank wasn't buying the act. "Sounds like you're trying pretty hard to convince yourself of that."

Exhausted, Jamie side-stepped his father and headed to the living room where he dropped heavily onto the couch. "No offense, dad, but I'd rather not get into my love life with you. I would think you wouldn't want me getting involved in yours either," Jamie sniped.

"Maybe not, but we're all worried about you. You and Eddie were happy before the Kendrick shooting," Frank pointed out and waited for his son to say otherwise. When Jamie didn't, he forged on. "I can't imagine what was going through your mind when you heard the news...what you must have felt when you saw Eddie lying in that hospital bed, so pale and still," he said. Frank still remembered the sight Eddie in the recovery room. He'd escorted Jamie back with the surgeon and caught a glimpse of her before he'd stepped away to allow Jamie some time alone with her. Even knowing she was going to be okay, it had still been a little daunting to see her that way.

Jamie looked down at the bottle in his hands, his expression alone confirming what Frank suspected was going on.

"You can't hide behind a wall to protect yourself from getting hurt," Frank said softly. "You've done that once already and it was a very lonely place."

"All I could see was Sydney lying lifeless in that hospital room. I can't go through that again, dad. I won't," Jamie said in a thick voice. He didn't know what else to do. He'd broken things off with Eddie as a way to gain some sort of peace of mind, some assurance that he'd never face the kind of pain he'd suffered when Sydney died, but losing Eddie because of his own irrational fears was also breaking his heart.

Frank sighed sadly as he took a seat next to his son, his hands clasped together as he stared out across the room thoughtfully. "Jamie, I would give anything in the world to take that from you or to promise that you'll never have to go through something like that again, but I can't. No one can. But don't deny yourself another chance at happiness because you're afraid."

"I can't stop thinking about it...then I start worrying that there'll be a next time," Jamie admitted. "I couldn't protect either of them."

"You're driving yourself crazy and punishing yourself for something that may never happen and causing yourself and Eddie more pain by pushing her away."

Jamie nodded. "I didn't know what to do. I get this urge to run every time I go near her."

"Not everytime. When she was shot, you stayed by her side that night and your were the first person she laid eyes on when she woke up in the hospital. You did that because you love her. Do you think there's anyone else she would have wanted there with her? And if God forbid, the tables are turned, whose face would you want to see over your bed when you open your eyes?"

Jamie knew it was the same face he looked forward to seeing when he woke up every morning. "God, I really hurt her," he confessed. "I don't know that I can fix this."

"It's time you talked to her about all of this. She loves you, Jamie. She'll understand."

* * *

 _Big chapter up next..._


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Jamie's stomach twisted into knots with each step that took him closer to Eddie's apartment building. He'd been calling and texting her ever since his father left his apartment that night before, but she seemed to be giving him a taste of his own medicine, ignoring his attempts to communicate with her as effectively as he'd done during the time she'd spent in Long Island the week before.

Worried that he wouldn't be able to fix things with Eddie, Jamie had been distracted and nervous throughout the day, two things that a cop on the beat should never be. And while Vinny would not hesitate to ask what had him out of sorts, it seemed that he could read his mood well enough to let him be today. Determined to apologize to Eddie and hopefully get them back on track, Jamie made plans to head to her place right after tour. He had been delayed, however, when he and Vinny were called to break up a bar fight in which one of the participants took a swing at his partner. Jamie may or may not have used a little more force than necessary to subdue the guy while Vinny lay on the floor waiting for the world to stop spinning, but not only had he assaulted his partner, he'd ensured that tour would be extended as a result. Vinny had been fine in the end, but Jamie still cursed their stupid luck.

Jamie made it to the front steps of Eddie's building just after dusk, looking up to the third floor and easily spotted the light coming from her living room windows. "Here goes nothing," he whispered while he wiped his sweaty palms along the sides of his pant legs and climbed the short flight of steps to the entrance. He hit the buzzer to Eddie's apartment and waited nervously for an answer.

"Who is it?" Eddie's voice came through clearly on the intercom.

"Eddie, it's me. Can I come up?" he asked hopefully.

"What do you want, Reagan?" Eddie asked in a flat voice.

Jamie's shoulders sagged a bit at her tone, but he had no clue that she was using all of her strength to hide the emotions elicited by the sound of his voice.

"I need to talk to you, please," Jamie begged.

There was a short pause that lasted an eternity to Jamie before Eddie's voice came through the intercom again.

"I'm not in the mood. I had enough the other day," Eddie said, anger slipping through.

"Eddie, just give me one minute to explain, please?" he pleaded.

"Go away," she ordered coldly.

"Damn it," Jamie hissed, hanging his head and cursing himself again for creating this whole mess. He turned around and looked out across the street and sighed in disappointment as he considered the other options available to him. He was coming down the first step when a happy voice greeted him from below.

"Jamie! Where have you been the past week, hon?" Eddie's neighbor called out from the sidewalk.

Jamie forced a smile across his face to hide his misery as he met the old woman's kind eyes. "Hey, Ruth," he replied. Ruth Rosen was a sweet old lady that lived down the hall from Eddie, to whom she had grown quite attached and Jamie easily understood why. The woman was smart as a whip, had a wicked sense of humor and was proud of the independent life she still led in her eighties while most everyone else she knew her age was hidden away in some nursing home. Her pride, however, often kept her from asking for help when she really needed it, but that was when Eddie, and Jamie once he became a regular fixture around Eddie's apartment, would step in, helping her out with small errands and tasks here and there.

"Are you on your way in or out?" Ruth inquired.

"Oh, in. I came by to see Eddie," Jamie said as he eyed the two heavy grocery bags in her hands. "Here, let me help you with that," he offered as he took the remaining steps to save Ruth the trouble of carrying them up...it was also his ticket into the building. Maybe he could convince Eddie to give him the time of day from outside her apartment door.

Ruth slowly went up the stairs after handing over the groceries she had lugged from the bodega around the block. "You're a sweetheart, Jamie. I already told Eddie a thousand times to never let you go. Then again, she's quite special too, isn't she?" Ruth gushed as she unlocked the front door of the building.

"Yes, she is," Jamie smiled sadly. He'd known Eddie was special from the moment he first met her and mentally kicked himself again for thinking he could ever voluntarily let her go. But the way things were going so far, he might not have a choice anymore.

"Well, I saw her coming in before I left for the market. She should be up in her apartment. You know she's been really down these last few days. But that's understandable what with everything that happened. Oy, such a shame about that poor girl losing her life like that, but I thank god everyday our Eddie's still here with us," the old woman chattered as they road the elevator up to the third floor, not missing a single stride as she led Jamie down the hall to her apartment. "I've only seen her leave for work and come back at the end of the day; doesn't really go out otherwise. But I'm sure seeing your handsome face will cheer her up. She's had an extra bounce in her step ever since she met you, you know?" Ruth grinned.

Jamie gave her a quick, tight smile as he placed the bags on her kitchen counter, feeling more nervous now that he was steps from Eddie's door.

"Now, you've done enough. Go be a sweetheart and see your girl, get a smile back on that beautiful face of hers," Ruth cajoled as she followed Jamie back through her apartment.

"I'll try. Have a good night, Ruth," Jamie said, waiting for the old woman to lock her door before turning to face the end of the hall. He took a fortifying breath and walked to Eddie's apartment, knocking softly as a light sweat broke across his forehead. Jamie could hear shuffling from behind the door, followed by an annoyed sigh before the door cracked open.

Eddie stood in the opening, holding the door firmly in place as she glared back at Jamie. "Ruth let you up here, didn't she?" she guessed.

"I helped her with a few bags," Jamie answered, his stomach clenching as he took in her stance. Eddie was the distant one now - not that he could blame her - looking worn out despite the nine to five, Monday through Friday schedule she was working while on desk duty. "Can we talk?" he requested.

"Now you want to talk?" Eddie said. Even though this is what she had wanted, she wasn't ready to let him just waltz back in with out a little resistance. She knew it was childish, but she was still hurt and angry and she had always been good at holding a grudge, one of the many things she needed to work on.

"Please, Eddie. Just give me a chance to explain and then I'll leave you alone," Jamie begged.

Eddie hated the sad puppy dog eyes he was giving her and cursed the fact that she could never resist them. She rolled her eyes and stepped back to allow him entry, but made it clear she was still mad by throwing the door shut behind him and stalking over to the sofa. She dropped back against one end of the couch and crossed her arms in front of her as she waited for Jamie to join her. Part of her prayed that he'd finally open up to her and that they could move on, but another feared that they were really over.

Jamie stepped over to the living room. There were so many things that he wanted to say and they all became jumbled in his mind. However, there was one thing that he needed to say first before he got anything else out. Jamie perched on the edge of the coffee table in front of Eddie, thinking that would be the best way to get her to look him in the face, but she refused to meet his eyes. Afraid this wouldn't end like he hoped, Jamie glanced down to where he nervously wrung his hands together. "I screwed up. I know that," he admitted, pausing as he decided on how to continue, but Eddie beat him to it.

"Yeah. But you were right about one thing, this was a mistake," Eddie said.

Jamie's head snapped up at her statement. "Eddie..." he trailed off, fearing he wouldn't have a chance to go any farther.

"I know this has to do with Sydney, Jamie. And if you're not willing to talk to me about the painful parts of your life when they're obviously troubling you, then what's the point?" she declared, now looking him dead in the eyes and daring him to say otherwise.

Jamie nodded. "You're right. I was a coward to push you away," he conceded and took a shaky breath as he prepared to finally open up to her about that one chapter in his life he'd locked away. "I've never told you about the accident...really told you about it." He looked back down at his hands and got this faraway look in his eyes as he recalled that night several years ago. "I have these two vivid images of Sydney that stick in my mind...they're usually the first ones that pop up in my head when I think of her," he shared.

Eddie's face softened as he began to speak, taking in every single word. Her heart was already breaking at the pain she heard in his voice.

"One is the big grin she was giving me in the back of the car on our way to that gala right before we got hit," Jamie recalled as a small smile appeared on his face. "She was teasing me for complaining about the tuxedo I had to wear, calling me a big baby. One second, she's turned around in her seat laughing with me, the next," Jamie turned serious again, pausing to swallow the lump already forming in his throat as his eyes began to shimmer with unshed tears. "I don't even know," he rasped. "We're both on the floor of the car after what felt like the world exploded and she's on top of me and she's not moving. There was so much blood, I didn't even know whose it was, mine or hers. I was numb and scared to move her in case I hurt her even more so I stayed still and waited for help but I begged her to wake up, to say something, anything to let me know she was okay."

Jamie was completely unaware of the tears streaming down his face as he became lost in the memory. Eddie's anger melted away, replaced with a yearning to comfort him. She leaned forward and slipped her hand into his, squeezing it gently as her glassy eyes gazed back at him.

"The next time I saw her was in the hospital...it didn't even look like her. She was only alive because of the machines. Her parents had some specialists come in but Sydney was already gone. I had to sign the consent to let her go," Jamie whispered, barely loud enough for Eddie to hear. He focused on her hand in his as he brought himself back to the night of the shooting. "All I knew while we waited for news on you in the ER was that you took two bullets and I was already expecting the worst. Even when they said you'd be okay, I didn't believe it. Then seeing you in recovery," Jamie stopped for a moment and shook his head to rid himself of that awful feeling that washed over him that night, "God Eddie, it was like I was back at Bellvue two and a half years ago...it wasn't even you I saw lying in that recovery room. All I could see was Sydney lying there already gone. It's the last image I have of her and...and I couldn't bear to have you taken from me too," he cried, lowering his head to hide his tears.

Eddie's heart broke for him and she reached out to cup the back Jamie's neck as she dropped her forehead onto the crown of his head. He'd kept the details of the accident from her all this time and even knowing some of them now, she still couldn't begin to imagine the depth of that loss. But until now, she had not known how horrible that night just a few weeks ago had really been for him either. "Why didn't you talk to me? I would have understood," she assured him.

Jamie brought his head up to face her, holding her hand between his. "It wasn't that I thought you wouldn't. It was so many other things. You were dealing with enough and I didn't want to lay that on you. It was the first time I'd really thought about all of that in a long time...I've been so happy with you, Eddie. And when I'd think about it, I just felt like I was gonna lose it...I was scared and it was easier to run." Jamie pressed a kiss onto her fingertips before continuing. "It's no excuse for what I did. I'm so sorry I hurt you, Eddie. You're the best part of my life and I can't lose you...not to some maniac on the street or because I was too scared to face my own fears."

Eddie cupped his cheek and ran the pad of her thumb tenderly across the trail left by his tears.

Without a second thought, he closed his eyes as he brought his lips to hers, sharing a kiss that said more than any words ever could... _I love you...I'm sorry...Don't ever leave me._

Jamie pulled away, his eyes wet again as he brushed her hair back from her face, never more certain that he loved her. He went to his knees in front of her, encircling his arms around her waist and pulled her into a strong embrace. "I love you," he whispered as he buried his face in the warm crook of her neck.

Eddie smiled and squeezed him tightly. "I love you too."

* * *

 _Hopefully that was what everyone was hoping for. Please leave a review! :)_

 _A very short epilogue will go up later today._


	14. Chapter 14

_Sorry everyone, I really meant to have this up yesterday. Better late than never. :)_

The soft morning light trickled in through the sheer drapery of Eddie's bedroom windows, pulling her from the fading fragments of a pleasant dream. Eddie rolled on to her back, stretching her arm across the left side of the bed. Her eyes finally opened when her hand found nothing but the cooling bed sheets beside her. She frowned, her foggy mind confused and she wondered if last night had been nothing more than the dream she'd just left behind.

But the doubt was forgotten when a moment later the bedroom door opened and Jamie padded in quietly. He smiled, surprised to find her awake. "Hey. Sorry, did I wake you?" he asked as he neared the bed, placing his phone on the nightstand before he slid back in between the sheets. He nudged Eddie back onto her right side and slid his arms around her, spooning her tightly to him.

Eddie grinned, loving nothing more than when Jamie became her very own human blanket, enveloping her completely in his warmth. "Where'd you go?" she rasped.

"Banged in sick," Jamie replied before planting a kiss on the back of her head and settling down onto the pillow.

"That so? You feeling under the weather, Reagan?" Eddie teased. She'd been hoping he didn't have to go into work today, but didn't expect him to call in, not that she was complaining.

"Nothing a day in bed with you won't fix," Jamie smirked.

"I'm sure."

"This was the first full night of sleep I've had since you were shot," Jamie confessed.

"Me too," Eddie admitted as she ran her fingertips up and down the length of his forearm.

"I'm still sorry I wasn't really there for you. I'm sorry about Tracy," Jamie said. That was probably his biggest regret. She had been reeling from the events of the night and the loss of a colleague and he had abandoned her emotionally.

"I know, babe. You're here now. That's what matters," she assured him.

"I always will be. I promise."

They laid together in a comfortable silence when Eddie made an unexpected confession. "You were the first person I thought of after it happened."

"Yeah?" Jamie asked in surprise.

Eddie nodded subtly against the pillow. "I wanted to be okay for you. I just found you. Not ready to let you go," she declared.

Jamie smiled, lifting his head to lay a kiss on her bare shoulder. He wouldn't be letting go again anytime soon, if ever.

* * *

 _That's all. Hope you all enjoyed!_

 _Happy Holidays to everyone and I hope to have something new up after the new year._

 _:)_


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